How overly nice people can be hard to date
A ‘nice’ person goes out of his or her thanks to being helpful, making compromises and lending a shoulder to cry on. Often, the behaviour is to win over another person emotionally. This is fine till it lasts. But, once truth colours emerge, it becomes a pain to affect toxicity.
Susan (name changed) matched with Tim (name changed) on a dating app. He asked her to satisfy him during a restaurant. Due to time issues, she refused. He seemed okay about it. He messaged her a few days later. After exchanging formalities, he started cussing for not saying anything and accused her of leading nice guys like him on.
Tina (name changed) was horrified when her close male friend, Raj, told her that her boyfriend was cheating on her. She wanted to confront him, but Raj stopped her and suggested ending with him. All this while trying to urge on the brink of her. When Tina did confront her boyfriend, he denied it. She realised the story behind Raj’s lies.
People mostly women have come across these so-called nice people as friends acquaintances or on dating sites. Often, the over-helpful and nice people, who gain others’ trust easily, hide their intention. Sometimes when one becomes emotionally dependent on them, do they show their true colours.
POLITE TO A FAULT
A nice guy is going to be excessively well-mannered and polite, says Deesha Sangani, author of The Diary of My Love. “He is someone who believes that he is inherently an honest guy. Everyone must like and appreciate him. He goes on to poke, prod and check out to understand more about you within the politest of manner but finishes up crossing the road and aggravating you,” says Sangani.
Tanushri Baikar Talekar, psychotherapist, Masina Hospital, Mumbai, dissects such behaviour. She says it is a phase when a guy is interested in a girl whom he is friends with and does all the good things for her without being asked. “The intentions are purely motivated by a desire to be during a relationship or relationship. So perhaps it comes from what has been taught to all or any folks which will cause such concepts. If you do something good for someone you are bound to be rewarded. But doing something good out of their heart with no intention of returning and doing something to urge a return at the top are two completely different concepts,” says Talekar.
These individuals view relationships from the point of view of ROI (return on investment). They also know their shortcomings. Shivani Sanghavi, founder, Baat Pakki, marriage bureau, says such people have low self-worth and compensate for that by being ‘nice’. “However, this is done with a covert intention of being rewarded with love, affection or sex after a careful investment of generous niceness,” she says.
PR professional Gehna Sharma has had a couple of such run-ins. “I thought they were concerned about me initially. But they were total control freaks who wanted to possess complete control over my life.”
COMPENSATION FOR KINDNESS
Zahir Chauhan, the author of The Girl I Met Last Night, says emotion and people play an important role. “Sadly, in most cases, people are going through loneliness then get easily attracted to nice guys or girls. It is an emotional need. The so-called nice people are well aware of the situation and hence in their terminology, It is the low hanging fruit. The impact is some things which may take someone’s life on a special level.”
Awareness is that the keyword here that ends up during this behaviour getting called out. Sanghavi says, “With dating options becoming more acceptable, one finishes up meeting people in additional ways than one. In search of a partner, there is a give and take of private information and when a ‘nice’ guy and girl see the vulnerability, they operate through an invisible contract where they are nice but expect to be ‘compensated’ for kindness. They are a menace because while the person at the receiving end has no clue of the important intent or the invisible contract, the lashing out when not being reciprocated can scar the other person.”
Such individuals have the knack of appearing when least expected and in unusual places. “There has been a growing trend in people presenting a special persona, a pleasant persona, publicly while hiding their true self. This persona fades in time once you get to understand them. However, it would be a touch late by then. You might be stuck with someone who you are doing not like anymore,” says Sangani.
Brand consultant Ankita Sule feels good meeting such people but regrets it later. “You start trusting them. But with time you slowly realise they just act nice because they do not want anyone to think bad about them. This leads to fake compliments, commitment and promises that are white lies. The person always seemed to support me, compliment me and be happy with my achievements. It was followed by a simultaneous track of fat and colour shaming and character assassination behind my back.”
Maintain boundaries Chauhan suggests a mantra to deal with ‘nice’ people to maintain boundaries. “Healthy boundaries help sustain relationships for an extended time without causing harm to the opposite,” Sharma advises to inform them upfront about your likes and dislikes.
“Otherwise, they will become familiar with being on top of things and start creating a toxic environment.” Recognising the very fact that the person features a problem, advises Sanghavi. “The roles could reverse and you will find yourself being the great guy or girl. Monitor your own emotions. Be on top of things of what proportion time, energy and emotions you will invest in helping this person and it will be fair to point it out and step back at the right time.”
Sule says she keeps a distance when she sees goody-two-shoes bearing. “If you confront such people, they begin blaming you and therefore the people around you. Occasional apologies and gifts are thrown. They can be in our good books once more .”
Detecting them early can work hugely, Sangani suggests. “Test them a touch before you permit them into your inner circle. Once you have got identified them, politely but firmly show your disinterest in being in their circle. If this does not work, block, ghost and run.”
According to Talekar, they ought to realise that being nice is not the proper way of eagerness to be during a relationship. “One should specialise in what is wrong, albeit it seems impossible. If you are not comfortable with it, it is better to be upfront about it. Temporary heartbreak is best than a life crammed with unhappiness and compromises.” Self-confidence plays an important role in one’s well-being. Talekar says, “If you modify your personality to be during a relationship, it will not last.”
IS IT YOU?
If you are one among those nice persons yourself, it is time to straighten things out. Sanghavi says, “Sharing stories and introspecting can cause you to be self-aware. If you are feeling that you simply are caught during this loop, start making conscious changes. Monitoring your emotions, being assertive, validating yourself and dealing with your self-esteem and choosing real friends are steps within the right direction.”
At times, just speaking out before it is too late can do the needful. “Do not attempt to be a hero because it can backfire at the end of the day,” says Chauhan.
But it does not mean that every person you come across as a hidden motive. Each individual is different and so is his or her experience. It does not mean that if you encounter a genuinely nice person, he or she has an underlying agenda. It is about being mindful of our actions and decisions.
SOURCE
https://www.freepressjournal.in/weekend/too-sweet-to-handle-reasons-why-you-should-think-twice-before-dating-or-befriending-overly-nice-people