What are the 5 love languages? And why do they matter?
What are the love languages that everyone is talking about? Here, a primer on this perspective on love, and how it can benefit your relationships.
Wouldn't it be great if people in your life such as parents, partners, friends just realized how to treat you? If they knew exactly what would make you feel seen, appreciated, cherished and loved? Wouldn't it be great to know exactly how to make someone you care for smile and feel happy and cheerful?
Of course it would,
For the last 30 years, there’s really been a tool or device available to assist anyone have this ability- to particularly read the minds of and better connect and communicate with the loved ones in your life.
But, what exactly is this tool?
That tool is the best- selling book and framework, “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, Ph.D. Also he is a family counsellor and speaker with degrees in anthropology(study of human beings) and adult education.
The 5 Love Languages is a human road map on how to have everyone in your life feeling good, loved, cherished and appreciated, including yourself. The framework breaks down into simple terms the ways we all feel love and appreciation and what is needed for individuals to provide those feelings.
The fascinating part is that everyone, depending on their "type," may feel love very differently; the way you feel, give and receive love may be totally different from your partner, your parent, or your friend. Indeed, love languages can be used for all relationships in your life, as can boundaries.)
What are the love languages?
So, according to Chapman and the love language system, there are five different ways that people can experience love:
Of course, all these types of love are felt by everyone. That said, everyone has a primary way of receiving love and expressing it to others- something that feels the most instinctual and rewarding, as per Chapman. This is called your “primary love language”. You can likewise pinpoint your secondary love language, the one that resonates with you after your first choice.
But it gets even more fascinating: The primary way you receive love may not be the same as the primary way you express it. For instance, you may love to give other people thoughtful gifts, but when gifts are given to you, it might not make a big impression.
Also, yes, your preferred love language can change over time within a relationship with changing life circumstances and from one relationship to another- it’s fluid, just like sexuality. For example:
- • You may value physical touch more with a romantic partner than you do with your family.
- • You may value acts of service from your partner more after becoming a parent than you did prior.
- • Or you may need to adjust and adapt your love languages when in a long-distance relationship.
How do you know what your love language is? Read the descriptions below to see what resonates with you.
Why are the love languages important to know?
The more mindful you are of how you love people in your life and how you actually take in love, the simpler it is to get and give love.
Think and consider of it this way: If you were searching for a pair of jeans and wanted to find them without knowing anything what you were looking for example: straight leg, flare dark wash, light, distressed and bothered- wouldn’t it be difficult and hard to find that pair of jeans?
You’d be trying on jeans forever, and would probably become frustrated and baffled in the process.
What if, instead, you realized and knew that the best jeans for you are high-waisted, a tight fit, and a certain brand. Wouldn’t’ it make 100 times easier to find a pair of jeans that not only fit right but as well as feel right too?
It’s the same with love.
At the point when you know how you work, what you want, and what you need to give to your partners and loved ones, it makes it 100 times simpler to do. (It's the same as knowing what you want in bed.) The Love Languages system is a road map to satisfaction and fulfilment , and who wouldn't want to get their hands on that guide?
Honestly, you could be walking around all day feeling neglected and ignored or thinking you are unloved or disliked by those around you, when in reality, they are loving you. You just can’t and see consider it as love because it is not your love language. For example, let’s say your love language is quality time and the person you have been seeing for a really long time expresses first and foremost through words of affirmation. They might be saying they love you and care about you but not prioritizing time with you, rather making plans with friends or looking at their phone/being distracted when they're with you. You may end that relationship thinking this person never really cared about you when truly, they were expressing their love and feelings to you the entire time ; it just wasn't in a way that resonated with you.
The 5 love languages, explained
Without further ado, here are the five love languages. As you read them, write down on a scale of 1 to 10 how important they are for you to feel loved.
Love Language #1: Acts of Service
The person who lists acts of service as their primary love language is someone who truly believes that actions speak louder than words. For instance, giving acts of service might be filling their car up with gas, preparing a supper, running an errand for them if they are too busy or occupied. Or, on the flip side , having these things done for you. Assuming if this is an important love language for you, these things may all make you feel loved or like you're expressing your love to another person.
Love Language #2: Words of Affirmation
The person who lists words of affirmation as their main love language is almost the opposite of those that list acts of service; they value words more than actions. What they say and what others say to them are the tell-tale sign of love and appreciation. Generally, this person wants and gives verbal commendations, such as:
Sprinkle in a few of these every day and those around you whose love language is words of affirmation will be pumped up for days. On the other hand, when these sort of words aren't said, they may feel there is a lack of love.
Love Language #3: Quality Time
The person who lists quality time as their essential love language wants your undivided, no-distractions, total attention. It's not about what you do during your time together, yet rather it's with regards to whether or not it's quality time.
For example, watching TV together. For it to be truly quality time, they need to be cuddling, connected, and seen while watching the show. Sitting there looking aimlessly at the TV while at the same time scrolling Instagram will have this person feeling unloved and undervalued or unappreciated. The person whose primary love language is quality time truly values their time with you.
Love Language #4: Physical Touch
The person who lists physical touch as their main love language loves to touch and be touched, nothing is more impactful to them than this. This doesn't necessarily mean that these people are all about PDA, but instead for them but for them to feel safe, have a sense of security, and to be comfortable with you, touch must be incorporated.
It's not always sexual, either. For instance, physical touch can include hugs, hand-holding, an arm around the shoulder, playing with hair, cuddling, kissing. These are all forms of touch that will make them feel appreciated and loved. On the off chance, if that touch is not given to them or appreciated when they give it, they may feel disconnected or neglected in the relationship
Love Language #5: Receiving Gifts
The person who lists receiving gifts as their main love language, loves receiving meaningful or thoughtful gifts to feel loved and appreciated. Relax: This doesn't mean that you or those around you are materialistic. It just means that somewhere in life you learned that when someone gives to another, that it's a great way to express love. (Somewhere in life, you may have also learned that co-dependent relationships are normal but that's not a good thing.)
The thing to note is that the gift doesn't need to be really expensive. It simply needs to have thought and/or significance behind it.
For example, that person may love it if someone in their life brought home their favourite chicken from a restaurant that is from all the way across town, just because!
How to Use Love Languages in real life (IRL)
Here's the thing about love languages:
They won't be helpful or useful to you or those in your life until you know what they are and express them to those around you. Like most things in love, they're a great thing to have an honest, open conversation about. (Plus, learning about and expressing each other's love languages is a great way to build intimacy with your partner.)
In case, if you are an acts of service person, tell those around you who want to express their love something like, "I know this may sound whacky, but words don't really resonate with me. What makes me feel heard and loved is when people do things for me. That truly shows me that they care and give it a second thought."
And then you can ask them in return. "What makes you feel appreciated and loved? I want to be sure I express it in a way that makes sense for you." (Clean up the cheesiness a bit to suit your style.)
In conclusion, the fact is that once you know the path to appreciation for yourself, you can give everyone you know the directions. It will make life way easier and simpler, also you will feel more loved and appreciated than ever before.
SOURCE:
https://www.shape.com/lifestyle/sex-and-love/what-are-the-5-love-languages