A couple on staying together after cheating: read this guide

 

Lola, a 27-year-old graphic designer, and Nico, a 27-year-old surfer and skateboarder by day and creative tech consultant by night, met on Bumble and have been dating for two years. They tell us what it was like to rebuild their relationship after one cheated. 

 

Lola: Our first year was pretty wild. We dated casually for a few months. We had a lot of fun together. It had a natural and healthy feel to it.

 

Nico: I met Lola shortly after moving to New York from California, so I was just beginning to explore a new territory of friends, nightlife, and everything that NYC has to offer. I was agreeing to a lot of things.

 

Lola: I was settling into life, feeling self-sufficient and successful in my career.

 

Nico: We were conscious of how much time we spent together and attempted to balance it with alone time throughout the week. On the weekends, however, we were always together.

 

Lola: We became exclusive after three months. I knew I was in love about four months in. 

 

Nico: I no longer wanted to be with anyone else. I was free to be myself around her, without a care in the world.

 

Lola: But Nico's use of recreational drugs and his partying would be points of contention. He always said he was ready to slow down with me, but his actions sometimes proved otherwise.

 

Nico: We'd argue about stupid things like how to properly prepare food or cook. We both prefer to do things in our own unique way, and Lola dislikes being told what to do. But then, who does?

 

I thought our relationship was strong, and that my faulty actions could always somehow be repaired.

 

Lola: I have a tendency to be insecure and controlling. It's difficult for me to simply let him have fun without me. After about a year, I began to feel as if I was being given empty promises.

 

Nico: The issue was mostly due to my late-night decisions. I lied — or refused to include specifics — about my drug use.

 

Lola: "Do we have to break up?" I kept asking. I want you to have friends, but this crowd makes me feel very uneasy." And he continued to agree with me. But then a friend would visit town, and he'd stay up until sunrise on a Wednesday.

 

Nico: I was deafeningly deafeningly deafeningly deaf I thought our relationship was strong and that my mistakes could always be fixed.

 

Lola: Let's fast forward a year. I believe my decision to be unfaithful to Nico was an unintentional result. I should have faced the fact that I was completely defeated, but instead I cheated to end the relationship. But I didn't realise it at the time.

 

Nico: We had just returned from a trip to Utah for my birthday. It had been a weekend filled with love, and I thought everything had returned to normal.

 

Lola: I told him three days later. I believe he realised when he came over. I don't know if I've ever felt worse — I'd never hurt anyone like that in my life, and I felt disgusting. I still squirm when I consider hurting him.

 

Nico: As I rode my bike to her house, my mind ran through every possible scenario, trying to figure out what was wrong, but infidelity never occurred to me. When I walked into her apartment and sat on her bed, she told me she had done "the worst thing in the world." I felt numb, as if I were in a dream. I was frustrated and angry, not because of what had occurred, but because of the pain and emotional journey I knew we would both have to go through on our own. This was the second time I'd gone through something similar, so I knew only time could heal us.

 

 

I had never really done anything “morally wrong” before. It permanently changed the “good person” I thought I was.

Lola: We split up for a little over two months. After that, I saw myself in a different light. I'm sure he sees things differently than I do. I'd never done anything "morally wrong" in my life. It forever altered the "good person" I thought I was.

 

Nico: We both wanted closure in order to move on with our lives, and we both agreed that we needed to focus on ourselves for the time being.

 

Lola: I realised that a lot of the root issues underlying my infidelity stemmed from commitment issues in my previous relationship and my parents' relationship. They're still married, but they despise each other. I just felt hopeless, as if we were all going to grow old and be unhappy in our marriages. What the f*ck is the point of monogamy?

 

Nico: For the next few months, I focused on myself more intensely than I had ever done before. I got a new job, started doing yoga every day, and became closer to my family. I went on a few dates and had a few fun nights out with friends.

 

Lola: Therapy taught me that I am in control of my life and that I do not have to conform to my family's narrative. I learned how to live the most self-sufficient and fulfilling life I've ever known. I knew I didn't have to reconcile with my ex simply because I was missing him.

 

Nico: Having said that, it was one of the most difficult periods of my life. The loneliness was palpable.

 

Lola: I was in a restaurant one day when I noticed him walk past the window. I ran outside to just watch him walk away, then burst into tears. I texted him, and we started talking about how much we missed each other the next day. But we weren't even thinking about getting back together at the time.

 

Nico: Because of the depth of our relationship, we were both comfortable being vulnerable with each other. We had lunch together one day, and it felt great to spend time together.

 

Lola: Seeing each other in person prompted us to reconsider our relationship. We thought it could be casual at first, but neither of us wanted to do that.

 

Nico: We gradually realised that we both wanted the same thing again.

 

Lola: Our relationship is different in most ways, but similar in others. We've been living together since COVID-19 arrived, and things are going swimmingly.

 

I thought I was pretty self-aware, with strong communication skills, but there was so much I hadn’t really uncovered until I cheated.

 

Nico: For the most part, our relationship feels brand new to me. It appears that we have created something based on our previous experiences. We also intend to move into a shared apartment in a few months.

 

Lola: Lifestyle issues continue to arise, but at a quarter of the rate they used to.

 

Nico: When we got back together, we agreed to go to couples counselling. It's an excellent opportunity for us to address lingering issues before they cause further complications.

 

Lola: I've also dealt with my commitment issues. I had no idea how cynical I had become. I'm all in now, which is both terrifying and beautiful. I thought I was pretty self-aware and had good communication skills, but there was so much I hadn't realised until I cheated. He seems to understand me better now.

 

Nico: We're both good at keeping each other updated on what happened and what led up to it. It is not strange to discuss infidelity. I believe we both care deeply about the harm we've done in the past.

 

Lola: Cheating does come up from time to time. I made a point of separating myself from the person with whom I had cheated and severing all ties, which was not difficult.

 

Nico: It almost never occurs to me. It's not that I try to ignore what happened. I simply choose to concentrate on the present and the future.

 

Lola: I'm still not sure I trust him. He didn't cheat on me, but after a slew of broken promises, I'm always on the lookout for another. I know what I did was wrong, but I feel like I worked through my problems. I believe in myself. He's made such an effort to trust me since I cheated, and he's never accused me or been overly suspicious. I believe that if the roles were reversed, I would be far more insecure. In so many ways, I admire him.

 

Nico: I believe in her and am confident that what happened before will never happen again.

 

You have to know which flaws you’re willing to put up with, and I think that’s the real struggle.

 

Lola: I want him to understand why he does what he does so that he can stand up for himself and respect his opposing viewpoint. I don't want him to agree with me just so he can avoid a fight.

 

Nico: I've learned that people make mistakes, but that time heals all wounds and that emotions are fleeting. While there are still situations in which we need to grow as partners, I'm constantly amazed at how easy it is to be with Lola.

 

Lola: Relationships aren't always black and white. You must decide which flaws you are willing to accept, and I believe that is the real struggle — deciding which problems you are willing to work through.

 

Nico: I've learned not to take things for granted. Life can be unpredictable, and it can happen at the most inopportune times and to the most inopportune people.

 

Lola: At the end of the day, I feel hopeful.