How To Stop Worrying About A Partner Cheating On You Once & For All
You tell yourself that you completely trust your partner, but every time they pull out their phone to text, you can't help but wonder who is on the other end of the line. Maybe they came home later than usual one day, and you immediately wondered who they were with, what they were doing, and if they'd tell you the truth if you asked.
You're not alone if you've ever suspected your partner of cheating on you, even if they weren't. It can be a very stressful situation to be in. While it may appear that trust issues are causing you to constantly worry that your partner is cheating, experts and research say it could be something more serious.
"Some may have experienced infidelity in their home with their parents or close relatives," says Dr. Vanessa Milagros, PhD, a licenced mental health counsellor. "For others, they have firsthand experience with the pain of being cheated on, and that experience has had a deep and profound impact on the way they view relationships moving forward."
According to Susan Golicic, Ph.D., a certified relationship coach and co-founder of Uninhibited Wellness, people develop a constant paranoia about cheating for three reasons. Trust issues are certainly one of them, but it could also indicate a lack of confidence or that you are projecting your own behaviour and fear onto them.
The good news is that there are solutions. These are the potential root causes, as well as what you can do about them to alleviate your cheating paranoia, according to experts.
1. You Have Cheated In The Past
If infidelity has been a problem in the past, projection may be a factor in your current insecurities. Dr. Paul DePompo, PsyD, ABPP, clinical psychologist and author of The Other Woman's Affair, tells Bustle, "Projection is a very low-level coping skill." "People who cheat, think about cheating, or have cheated in the past project these feelings of desire onto their partners. Their mind eventually fabricates the reality that their partner is also cheating."
In fact, a recent small study of 96 heterosexual couples published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships of 96 discovered that we project our attraction to others onto our partners. When study participants were attracted to someone outside their relationship, they were much more likely to say their partner was attracted to others as well, even if they weren't.
If you've cheated in the past, are cheating now, or are even thinking about it, chances are you'll suspect your partner is cheating as well. According to Golicic, it could be a subconscious attempt to "justify" your own behaviour. Because convincing yourself that your partner is cheating, the logic goes, lessens the severity of your potential transgression. Obviously, this isn't how it works.
"There doesn't have to be any actual evidence of cheating when these [thoughts] are driving the paranoia," Golicic says. "[You] will continue to make them and cling to the simplest sign." If your partner receives a text late at night, you might assume it's a sign of an affair because you, too, receive texts late at night.
How to stop worrying about it:
It's a slick slope, but the good news is that you can climb it. "Couples can work through trust issues together by discussing past hurts and mistakes and coming to an understanding of each other's wounds," says Emily Pfannenstiel, LPC, LMHC, a relationship therapist.
This could be the time to air all of your dirty little secrets and make honesty a new rule, possibly with the help of a therapist. "A supportive counsellor can assist in facilitating healthy communication and boundaries, as well as in assisting each individual in understanding the root of his or her sense of lack, mistrust, and related behaviours," Pfannenstiel says.
According to Danielle Forshee, Psy.D. and LCSW, this type of disclosure is especially prudent if you've realised your fears are affecting the overall health of the relationship. "Say the projection causes fights and problems, and the other party has no idea why." Then you should probably say something." After all, you don't want your partner to wonder why you've become so agitated, if not accusatory. However, she explains that if you're able to control your worries through solo therapy or other methods, it's not always necessary to share every detail of your romantic past with your current partner.
2. You Struggle With Trust Issues
If you have trust issues, it's natural to suspect your partner is lying, cheating, or doing things behind your back. You don't trust others by nature, according to Golicic, possibly because of past experiences, such as being cheated on by an ex or being betrayed by parents and friends.
According to Meredith Prescott, LCSW, a psychotherapist in NYC, "whatever was modelled to you as a child is often how you'll relate to others as an adult." She claims that if your parents cheated on each other, you are more likely to expect the same in your own relationships. The same is true if a previous partner let you down, as that can be a very difficult experience to overcome. Forshee emphasises the significance of formative experiences, saying, "Those experiences impact how we view the world, how we view our relationships, and how we interpret situations that we are exposed to in life. It's a filter that we have activated that automatically generates trust issues in situations where none exist."
How to stop worrying about it:
"Finding a couples therapist would be an excellent way to work through issues related to cheating and betrayal," Prescott suggests. You can go together or separately to a therapist to work through your past so that it no longer has a negative impact on your current relationship.
In addition to therapy, Forshee says you can work on some of the physical manifestations of trust issues. "A lot of the time, when people have trust issues, they also have a really distressing emotional response." And that emotional response is usually accompanied by panic, increased heart rate, and a great deal of anxiety." She suggests diaphragmatic breathing or listening to a guided meditation on your phone, particularly ones that focus on progressive muscle relaxation, to help you relax.
3. You Have An Anxious Attachment Style
If you're constantly concerned that your partner is cheating on you, your attachment style may be to blame. Attachment theory was pioneered by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1960s. Your personal attachment style is influenced by how your caregivers interacted with you as a child. Growing up with a consistent, attentive, and supportive caregiver increases your chances of developing a secure attachment style. As an adult, you can give your partner space and freedom in a relationship without fear of them leaving.
If you grew up with a caregiver who was inconsistent or unresponsive to your needs, you may develop an anxious attachment style. According to relationship coach Julie Teffeteller, this type of attachment is characterised by a strong desire to be constantly close to your partner. You have a greater fear of rejection and abandonment.
How to stop worrying:
"You can try to overcome relationship anxiety and anxious attachment by looking at your attachment history to understand how you relate to others," Teffeteller says. "You can also communicate with your partner about your anxieties so they can be empathetic to your needs and concerns, and using mindfulness exercises to disconnect from future worries so you can fully enjoy living in the present with your partner."
4. You Don’t Feel Worthy of Love
According to Golicic, if you don't have enough self-confidence to feel worthy of love, you're more likely to look for reasons to tell yourself that your relationship isn't working. This can be caused by low self-esteem, as well as the three issues listed above.
When it comes to the relationship between self-worth, trust, and cheating paranoia, Forshee describes a common thought process: "If I don't love myself fully, because I don't believe I'm capable of it, how could it be possible that someone could love me in the way that I cannot?" As a result, believing you're worthy of love becomes an essential component of trusting someone else's affections — and their fidelity.
How to stop worrying:
"Informing your partner about the work you need to do for yourself will let them know this is a past wound you want to heal in order to have a better relationship," Golicic says. "It also helps to be vulnerable in a relationship and share any insecurities you may have. Your partner may be able to assist you in working on this and feeling more secure."
When it comes to improving your self-worth and self-confidence, Forshee says there's a lot you can do on your own that will gradually alleviate your cheating fears over time. "Get out there and do something productive." Perform an action that makes you feel good about your abilities, skills, or competence. "Get a job or do some charity or volunteer work that will make you feel useful," she advises. "Setting small goals for yourself and achieving them over time helps generate a more fulfilling sense of self-worth."
Whatever the underlying cause, if you're constantly wondering, "Why am I so paranoid about my girlfriend cheating on me?" or, "Why am I always suspecting my boyfriend of cheating?" It is always possible to change your perspective on yourself and the world.
True, sometimes the suspicion that your partner is cheating stems from legitimate truths. However, there are times when it is more about you and your perception of the situation. The important thing is to recognise your feelings, talk about them with your partner, and, most importantly, trust yourself to figure out what is going on.