What are the top lessons in love?
Most couples devote a significant amount of time and effort to preparing for their wedding day, but how many consider preparing for their lifelong union? Being married necessitates effort. A happy relationship and marriage require good communication, commitment, and compromise.
"Happy marriages are built on mutual respect, with both the husband and wife supporting and affirming each other in all aspects of their shared lives." This provides a solid foundation for the marriage and provides the couple with a strong motivation to deal with the competing demands of work and raising a family," says Jessie Koh, senior psychotherapist at Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre (EMCC).
Marriage preparation programmes, according to marriage counsellors, help couples lay this foundation and understand the values they need as individuals and as a couple to build a future together. In fact, the best time to enrol in such a course is as soon as you and your partner start talking about marriage.
Marriage 101
Marriage preparation classes teach couples the best ways to deal with the majority of major marital issues. Among the topics covered are financial management, getting along with in-laws, conflict resolution, and sexual intimacy.
A typical programme, delivered by family service and counselling centres, lasts between eight and sixteen hours over one or more sessions, depending on the content.
"The Story of Us," a marriage preparation course offered by Care Corner Counselling Centre, is one example. It equips couples with the knowledge and skills they need for effective communication and conflict resolution. This assists couples in developing meaningful relationships while keeping in mind mutual expectations, different personalities, and spousal roles.
Lessons in Communication and Conflict Resolution
According to Cindy Loh, a counsellor at Care Corner Counselling Centre, better communication and conflict resolution are top concerns among married couples. Some issues may arise as a result of beliefs such as "she just doesn't understand me" or "he is overly protective of his mother." These, if left unresolved, can lead to a relationship breakdown.
While a clear-cut resolution may not always be possible in every conflict, it is critical that couples agree on what they disagree on and do not allow resentment to fester, according to Jessie of EMCC.
Conflict resolution is one of the topics covered in Care Corner Counselling Centre's "The Story of Us" workshop, which teaches couples to recognize each other's fight cycles by identifying how each responds in the fight, as well as any underlying issues.
So, if one spouse has a habit of raising their voice or speaking harshly during an argument, they will be instructed on how to express themselves in a less hurtful manner. Couples are also taught to give each other a time-out during an argument to avoid escalating their anger and to wait until they have calmed down before reaching an agreement. Finally, they learn the language of apology – how to address the problem rather than the person, and how to empathize by putting themselves in the shoes of the other.
Managing Expectations
The marriage preparation course at Care Corner Counselling Centre also includes a Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis, which provides a comprehensive evaluation of the personalities of the couples and assists them in better understanding themselves, each other, and the relationship. "A good understanding of the future spouse can help shape realistic expectations and encourage more open communication between the two," Cindy says.
According to Jessie from EMCC, one of the most common issues that couples struggle with is the management of expectations. "Differing opinions and expectations are brought into a marriage by a couple, and these can have a wide-ranging impact on issues ranging from the most trivial, such as leaving the toilet seat up, to life-changing decisions like whether to have children or live with the in-laws."
The "Beyond I Do" marriage preparation programme at EMCC provides a systematic framework for couples to gain insight into their individual and couple strengths and weaknesses. It also includes a personality test to evaluate individual traits as well as a relationship test to evaluate individual traits in relation to their spousal traits.
According to Jessie, some couples postponed their wedding plans after attending the programme because they needed more time to work through certain issues before starting a life together.
“The sessions are helpful in bringing to light differences that the couple may not have been aware of prior to the programme. Long-standing disagreements may result in a situation in which the couple is constantly at odds with each other, and conflict may escalate if steps are not taken to address this breakdown in communication," she adds.
Newly Weds Can Benefit Too
While pre-marriage preparation courses can help you set the stage for a happy and fulfilling marriage, they can also be beneficial to couples in their first or second year of marriage.
Brandon Goh and Lim Ming-Yee, both 29, enrolled in the course two months after their marriage. "The couple assessment rated us as average," Ming-Yee says. It stated that there should be no major issues because our expectations of each other are similar and the gaps are not too difficult to close, which is very reassuring."
The workshop can be held in a group setting or as a private couple session, depending on the couple's preferences. While private couple sessions are more personalized, group sessions are divided into two four-hour sessions covering structured topics.
The group workshops also include brainstorming and sharing sessions between the coupes or gender groups. Attendees can learn skills from other couples during the sessions, which can be stimulating and inspiring. Additional individual couple sessions can be arranged for those attending group sessions in order to continue dealing with the couple's or an individual's specific issues.
Most marriage preparation programmes are only eight hours long. It's a small investment for you and your spouse to make in order to prepare for a lifetime of marriage.
What Couples Say
Three couples discuss how marriage preparation programmes helped them strengthen their relationships.
As a social worker, Kai Fen is well aware of the difficulties that can arise in a marriage. That's why she and Gary felt it was necessary for them to attend a marriage preparation workshop before getting married. "We both felt it was an excellent opportunity for us to clarify each other's marital expectations, anticipate potential obstacles, and learn how to deal with problems," she says.
Kai Fen and Gary's relationship, like any other, is fraught with difficulties. They claim they are fortunate because they make a concerted effort to communicate their differences on a regular basis. When they are unhappy about something, they will always share their feelings with each other honestly, especially after a fight – something they discovered along the way is essential to any good relationship.
"The programme also brought to our attention certain things we knew but had never verbalized, such as how we both differ in how we approach and handle certain issues." This is most likely due to our different temperaments – he's more reserved, whereas I'm more outgoing. "We are aware of our differences, but we believe we complement each other," says Kai Fen.
So it's a good thing they're on the same page when it comes to big decisions like marital expectations, financial planning and management, and children and parenting. While they will let nature take its course when it comes to having children, they both agree that they must be financially secure before they decide to have children. They also agree that they must contribute financially to their family unit and share household chores.
The workshop taught Gary that his role as a husband entails "not only taking care of the family, but also being involved in a process where both parties share the same goals and work hard together towards building a good marriage and family."
Even while they were still dating, Zulkifli and Yasmin were both committed to preparing for marriage. "I believe that marriage preparation programmes are a good'reality check' for a couple about to marry, as it helps them manage their expectations," says Yasmin. This is also an excellent time for the couple to think about whether they want to spend the rest of their lives together."
They had been dating for more than five years before getting married, so they were already familiar with some aspects of marital expectations. "We're pretty laid-back when it comes to financial planning and management." We split the household bills equally, but there is some wiggle room. For example, he drives me around and pays for his car's maintenance and parking, while I cook and do the grocery shopping," Yasmin explains.
However, as they spent more time together, they realised how different they are and that they both have flaws that can lead to miscommunication, according to Zulkifli.
"However, we learn to give and take." This was reinforced even more by the course. Yasmin and I discussed various aspects of our lives during the sharing sessions, ranging from religion to financial stability. We are now more open to sharing our ideas and discussing solutions to our shortcomings. Finally, it helps us grow as individuals and as a couple so that we can live a happy life together," he adds.
The best takeaway for Yasmin has to be this: no matter how much you love someone, you still have to put in the effort for the marriage to work. "I realised that you can't be self-centered in a marriage," she says. During a conflict, one person must put aside his or her pride and ego in order to treat the other fairly."
Brandon was sceptical of marriage preparation programmes, but he was curious about what they could offer him and his wife, Ming-Yee. He was the one who suggested they enrol in the course.
His decision couldn't have come at a better time because they were both going through major life changes. They had recently moved to Singapore after living in London for a few years and had recently married. They are currently staying with Brandon's parents while their new apartment is being built. "These changes, combined with work stress and a lack of time with each other and our families, have resulted in many squabbles," Ming-Yee says.
Although they'd been married for two months when they began the programme, they reasoned that it was "better late than never" to seek marriage enrichment. "We were having trouble reaching an agreement on the purchase of our first home." "This problem gave us a real-life working example to practise our conflict resolution skills during the programme," Brandon says.
"In fact, going through the programme a few months after we were married was really beneficial, as we were able to share and relate our problems as newlyweds to the facilitator," Ming-Yee adds.
Following the programme, the couple claims that their marriage expectations have become much more realistic. "We had difficulty finding quality time for just the two of us because of our busy schedules," Ming-Yee says. The facilitator's sharing sessions helped us focus on our issues as a couple and find the best solutions for them."
Conclusion: Going the Distance
Here are some tips to help you choose a programme that best suits your needs as a couple: