Which 5 mistakes to be avoided when your ex quickly moves on?
When Your Ex Quickly Moves On, Avoid These 5 Mistakes
When my coach advised eye movement desensitisation therapy (EMDR), a type of psychotherapy targeted at easing suffering associated with traumatic memories, I knew my reaction to my soon-to-be-ex moving on was concerning. It sounded tremendous, but so did my discomfort. EMDR is helpful, but it isn't a cure-all, and the memory of standing in my sister's driveway on New Year's Day is still plaguing me at times. In my mind's eye, I see white shock cross that poor, naive girl's face as she registers the words flowing from the other end of the line. My bereaved brain grappled with some mental math, attempting to comprehend a timescale that was not quite as long as I had hoped for such news.
For all intents and purposes, our marriage had been finished for some time, awaiting the seal of a court. So, why such a strong reaction? Many other ladies in my situation would be bouncing away, relieved that their soon-to-be-ex was no longer their problem. Not me; I'm twisted like that, always yearning for what I can't have and mourning for what I've lost.
While some called my reaction "crazy" or "overblown," I defended myself by saying it was "a reasonable reaction to an extraordinary scenario." The judgement is still out on whether the rapidity with which the parts of his new, bright existence fell into place, or my reaction to it, was more disorderly. Looking back, there are various ways I could have treated myself better, and I hope that by revealing them, you may be able to avoid these mistakes if you are replaced sooner than expected.
Don't go digging.
When you initially learn, you may torture yourself by trying to piece together information about a person who appeared out of nowhere. Two things surprised me: first, my inventiveness, and second, the vast amount of information that is freely available to anybody. It's one thing to stalk the happy couple on Facebook, but it's quite another to call the airlines to find out where they're going. And if you claim to be an actual spouse and have identification to prove it, the courteous call service agent is required to inform you.
Don't be that gullible.
Then, in a frantic attempt to minimize what's going on, your brain may go on a scavenger hunt. Let's call a spade a spade, and please keep in mind that they are unlikely to be holding hands. Yes, it may not last, or it may be a one-night stand, but in my experience, these "rebound" relationships move swiftly. If there are children involved, don't waste time and money attempting to have them removed; as long as they are safe, lawyers will not be involved.In my instance, the big reveal happened one month after our divorce was finalised, on his birthday. My daughters sent home a pink heart- shaped balloon from her to him, just in case I had any doubts about her existence.
Don't let your rage get the best of you.
On a good day, how many of us are guilty of doing this? Add in a pending divorce and an ex who is already married, and you've got yourself a perfect storm. Your rage is genuine, well-founded, and in need of expression. But, for the love of everything that is sacred, do everything you can to keep it away from your children. Do whatever it takes because there is only one person you will despise more than your ex when you see bewilderment and terror in their eyes as a result of your rage. It's not her, yet again. There's no need to "move on" if you don't want to.
"Just move on," the dreadful phrase. Perhaps the most counterproductive form of toxic positivity. I wouldn't need alimony if I had a dollar for every time someone in my extremely loving and supporting family gave this to me. Let me be clear right now: no one (even your ex) can "simply move on'' as if it were as simple as pressing a button in your head. The love and relationship industry as we know it would not exist if that were the case. Someone offering you this advise most likely loves you very much, but they are making it all about them because sitting with your pain is too uncomfortable for them.
Last but not least, don't make it all about you.
I've twisted myself into a pretzel trying to figure out how some people can exchange relationships like vehicles. By sharing this conclusion, I will save you time and mental energy. You have nothing to do with this person's drive to fill a gap. Perhaps he mourned the relationship for years before it ended, and finally, yes, you may have to confront the reality that the soulmate you never were simply fell into his lap. Give yourself credit for grieving the relationship properly in either case, and thank him for being so thoughtful. Because he has spared you of him in your life by getting on with his life so effectively, and you are free to meet someone deserving of you.
Sources:
https://antimaximalist.com/let-go-of-someone/