Why do people kiss?
I Hate Kissing My Boyfriend & I Don’t Know Why!
Q: I waited until I was 18 to have my first kiss, and I think I always imagined it would be amazing and that fireworks would go off in my head, and I was so disappointed when that didn't happen. Since then, I've had a few good kisses with various people (mostly while drunk, to be honest), but I've never felt anything or enjoyed it with my boyfriend.
I'm not sure why; I guess it just feels like something I'm supposed to do, but I don't want to do it, and it doesn't benefit me. I'm not sure if there's anything I'm doing incorrectly or what I should be doing differently. It just doesn't make me happy.
A: Oh, you've come to the right place, man. Unfortunately for my 2018 mentions, I am the author of a piece titled "Kissing! Is! Overrated!" if that gives you an idea of my own stance on the subject. Many people were riled up by that stance because they adore smooching, but I honestly stand by my position.
Kissing is a chore for me. Over half of the world's cultures do not kiss romantically, so you and I are not alone in our feelings. Making out looks good on film, and I can't deny that Jess and Nick's 2013 kiss (New Girl Season 2, Episode 15 for the horny-curious) was hot, hot, hot. But, when it comes down to it, I find the whole thing very underwhelming when it comes to the actual act of touching tongues.
To be clear, I've had both good and bad kisses (a brag). And, while I've enjoyed — even loved! — many of the kisses I've received (double brag), if someone told me right now that I'd never be able to kiss again, I'd probably be fine. I'm not suggesting that everyone else stop kissing; I'm just sharing so you know you're not a giant weirdo.
It is perfectly acceptable not to enjoy certain physical activities. Some people dislike being hugged. Some people find cuddling repulsive. Some people refuse to have or receive oral sex. We do and don't want to do a variety of things with our bodies.
You won't be turned on by everything. This is especially true as time passes with a partner, I've discovered. We're so pumped for our crush at first that any physical contact — even something as innocent as sitting side by side on a couch — feels as thrilling as falling from the top of the Tower of Terror. And then a few months or a year pass, and if it isn't The Thing That Drives You Crazy, it's often forgotten. That is understandable, if not ideal. When you've seen someone clip their toes, it's difficult for everything they do to be a turn-on.
If you and your partner are doing things that you enjoy, keep doing them! Do a lot of those! Express your love for road head and back massages to your partner.
You mentioned that when you've been a little tipsy, you've enjoyed kissing a little more. If you suspect that overthinking is taking the fun out of it for you, it might be worth experimenting with kissing at the end (or at least in the middle) of a hookup, rather than at the beginning when you're trying to get your horny cylinders firing. Or, instead of A Thing That Means Something, have a glass of wine and ask your partner for "kissing practise" to make it a lightheartedjoint activity.
If your partner does nothing or very few things that physically feel good to you, that is a separate issue with separate solutions. That could mean you're not attracted to your partner, that you'd benefit from working on your sex relationship with a therapist, or that your sexual identity or orientation is different than you thought.
Otherwise, there's no need to be concerned about not enjoying a particular physical act as much as you had hoped. Is it a letdown? Yes! I wish kissing elicited more AWOOOGA reactions from me. I'll also admit that my relationship with kissing has changed and will most likely change again. It's a little hotter now than it was three years ago when I wrote my diatribe against the romanticization of mouth to mouth, but it's still not the pinnacle of sexiness for me. Maybe kissing will become more exciting to you at some point. Perhaps if you don't put pressure on yourself to be excited about it, you'll get more enjoyment out of it. Perhaps it won't! That's fine, too!
For the time being, do whatever makes you happy. If you don't want to kiss, don't start it. Let it happen when it happens if you don't mind kissing. I wouldn't tell your partner you don't like kissing them, but if you want to share that Frenching doesn't work for you, that might be useful information for them to have. Suggest things you enjoy, things that make you feel good — they don't have to be physical. Share them willingly and enthusiastically. Kissing is for all the hotties who enjoy tongue-on-tongue stuff — more for them!