How
to Give Feedback on sex?
When
I suggest that my sex therapy clients receive sexual feedback, they frequently
respond with a violent eye roll or an unhappy sigh. The majority of individuals
are uncomfortable with the subject. Shouldn't my spouse just know what to do? and
They can't possibly think I like it, I hear.
Many
of us appear to despise the thought of discussing our desires, likes, and
dislikes during sex. Feedback, on the other hand, is an important aspect of
happy and healthy sex life. Learn why you should modify your mind about
feedback and how to feel more at ease speaking with your spouse during sex by
reading on.
Why
you should give feedback?
It's
unreasonable to expect your partner to be able to read your mind at any time,
especially when it comes to something as personal as what makes their body
happy. It puts a lot of pressure on your partner because they don't know if you
like what they're doing. If your spouse is concentrating on you, they may be
disappointed if they receive no response.
You
may have had a similar experience. Have you ever had sex with someone who
remained entirely silent? Perhaps they just sat there with a blank expression
on their face or walked around like a robot. Perhaps you had the impression
that they would rather be completing their taxes at the time. Can you recall
how frightened and self-conscious you felt as a result?
Now,
do you recall a partner that was enthusiastic about communication as well?
Maybe they complimented your technique, moaned, or made a lot of eye contact
with you. Night and day are the two types of experiences.
How
to Motivate Yourself to Improve Your Sexual Life?
You're
well aware that your sex life isn't ideal. You've had a lot of arguments with
your partner about how horrible things are.
For
survivors of sexual abuse, feedback is very crucial. It can impair your current
sex life if you've been mistreated in the past. Fear or anxiety can be
triggered by certain actions, positions, or even words. It's critical that you
and your partner be able to speak about how you can feel comfortable during
sex. People who are in agony during sex are in the same boat. Never force
oneself to bear agony or pain in silence.
Understand
the difference between feedback and instructions
But
I don't even know what I want!" is one of the most common excuses I hear
about giving input. Many people confuse feedback with instructions, believing
that they should give their spouse precise, step-by-step instructions on how to
do anything. If that's what you consider feedback to be, it's understandable
that you don't want to give it. The majority of us wouldn't be able to write
down exact instructions for what we desire. If you have a specific set of
instructions for your partner (for example, perhaps you want to play out a
detailed dream), that's fantastic! However, the concept behind feedback is that
you are currently reporting back to your spouse about your experience. You're
taking note of what they're doing and expressing your reaction to it. ‘That
feels fantastic’ or ‘Don't stop’ are examples of simple feedback.
Get
in tune with your experience
You
must be present enough with your own body and experiences to be able to share
them with your partner in order to give this kind of feedback. For many of us,
this is yet another major issue. Many of us are in our brains, judging our
performance or worried about our partner's experience, as sex may cause a lot
of anxiety. Instead, you must learn to concentrate on your own body and the
sensations, emotions, and reactions that you are experiencing. This takes some practice,
but it's a goal that's well worth pursuing.
Give
feedback after the fact
If
you're nervous about giving feedback, one way to ease into it is to do so after
you've had sex with your partner. This is what I refer to as the post-sex
wrap-up session. You can tell your partner about the precise aspects of that
interaction that you enjoyed, what you'd like to repeat in the future, or what
you'd like to attempt at some point. Sharing the afterglow together can
sometimes provide a much more relaxed atmosphere for exchanging feedback.
How
to Tell If Your Partner Is Doing Something You Don't Like in Bed
Do
you recall the scene in Bridesmaids where Kristin Wiig's Annie gets felt up by
Jon Hamm's...
Choose
a communication style that feels natural to you.
Finding
the communication style that works best for you is another method to become
more comfortable delivering feedback. Nonverbal communication, such as moving
your body in a certain manner, making eye contact with your partner, or
grasping their hand, may be appealing to you. Alternatively, sounds such as
moans, groans, or heavy breathing can be used. Perhaps you're more at ease with
language and can say things like "A little softer" or "Can you
play with my breasts?"
Become
more self-assured in your communication.
If
speaking during sex is difficult for you, practising on your own can help you
become more comfortable. This may seem stupid, but try saying particular terms
to yourself out loud, such as "Can I climb on top?" or "Go a
little harder." If you want to get better at it, you can even practise
groaning! Recite such phrases over and again until you begin to feel more at
ease. The key to becoming more comfortable is repetition.
Talk
to your partner about it
If
you're in a relationship, I strongly advise you to discuss how you and your
spouse give feedback. You can tell your partner that you'd like to be able to
give them feedback but are having trouble doing so. You might be able to come
up with new ways to communicate with each other during sex if you work
together. For example, you could agree ahead of time that when you're feeling
really wonderful, you'll hold your partner's shoulder or place your hand over
theirs to guide them to the appropriate location. The more you and your partner
feel like a team, the easier it will be to provide feedback.