Why does straight women feels pressure to prove that they are intimidating?
Rarely do we hear the term “high-maintenance man”.
On
dating apps, users make decisions in seconds, depending on profile pictures.
In
my research of dating apps and straight matches, I found that men often portray
themselves as handsome, brawny, and tanned even in their pictures to attract more
women.
On
the contrary, women often portray themselves in contrast to a cultural idea.
Women
make profiles which show them as “not high-maintenance.”
What
does ‘high-maintenance’ mean when it comes to dating apps?
“High-maintenance”
is a category defined by physical and behavioural characteristics.
In
her pictures, the high-maintenance “girl” (is often described both by the men
and women), as someone who is wearing “too much” make-up, or body-hugging
clothes. She would be in a party dress. She is either pouting at the camera for Instagram or carrying an expensive handbag.
Once
she is labelled as high-maintenance, it was difficult to be perceived as
something other than that.
Behaviourally,
she was seen as difficult. She wanted many things, and also expected a high
standard from her man. Men think there is labour involved if they date her,
and ultimately a financial burden.
As
one man indicated:
There
are many attractive girls on dating apps but, I can’t afford to date a girl
like that. They are too high-maintenance.
Women
in my research usually present themselves as “beautiful” but “relatable”. They were
careful to not “intimidate” a potential match with their pictures and behaviour.
One
female user indicated that a high-maintenance woman has high expectations.
It’s
a balancing act that needs to appear attractive but not high-maintenance.
They
need an effortless, pretty, nonchalance act:
One
woman said that her everyday look is oversized tee and very comfy clothes, but
on her dating profile, there’s a festival picture where she is obviously done up
and there are two other photos with her friends. I did feel the pressure of
looking pretty, but at the same time looking relatable. It is because people shouldn’t
be intimidated to approach you.
There
is this pressure that means you should look friendly enough, but also pretty
enough, but also not too friendly at the same time. It is weird.
Identity
management
This
type of identity management is not new, especially on social media. It is
distinctly prevalent for girls and young women who are perceived as having (or
being) too little or too much. Either it’s too fat or too thin; too clever or
too stupid; too free or too restricted.
In
case of dating apps, the line is between sexiness and effortlessness. Women felt
the need to look pretty, but also not so pretty which might scare potential
matches off.
Physical
features, or ways of presenting oneself, were also often mixed with personal
behaviours and expectations. Basically, women had to represent themselves as
naturally pretty, capable, having less expectation, fun-loving, and, the most
important one easy-going.
All
to make sure a man is comfortable.
Hidden
behind this apparently insignificant, even harmless statement, is something far
more sinister.
It
appeared to describe the many ways women reign themselves in to please men by not
complaining, not demanding too much, suppressing their needs, and not having high
expectations for emotional fulfilment.
In
essence, not demanding anything, which is necessary for an intimacy based on
equality and mutuality.
In
the end, the “high-maintenance” woman was too much to handle – which has confirmed
the stereotypes that men expect women to be quiet, submissive, without any opinion,
and always agreeable. This means they shouldn’t be difficult.
It
toughened feminine mainstays that a woman should smile and be nice. Not be too obvious,
and eventually should not take up too much space.
A
certain invisibility was required, even when dating online.