How to Tell If Your Hookup Is Cheating on Someone You're With?

 

How to Tell If Your Hookup Is Cheating on Someone You're With?

When we talk about cheating—which we do a lot—we usually focus on the two persons involved in the relationship. Yes, there's the cheater and the cheated-upon, but the cheated-with, a person who may or may not realize they're the "other" in a packed relationship, is sometimes forgotten.

It's up to you how you continue if you discover you're the third party in a two-party system. You have the option of ending things, telling the person who is being two-timed, or continuing as is and putting the moral burden squarely on the person you're hooking up with. It's entirely up to you, but before you take any action, you must be confident that you are trespassing in someone else's domain, whether intentionally or not.

But all of that will happen after your discovery, so how can you know if you're hooking up with someone who already has a boyfriend?

Keep an eye out for suspicious items

This is the most obvious tactic, especially if you're going home with someone you've never met before. When you arrive at their location, take a look around. Clear clues include framed images of a loving couple or shoes by the door that are clearly not theirs, but a seasoned cheater or someone who has put any thought into this deception would most likely cover the more heinous evidence, so dig deeper.

Make an excuse to "freshen up" in the restroom. This is good and won't cause any concern because you probably need to freshen up. Get busy once the door is shut and locked. Do you have a short-haired male in your life who keeps a paddle brush and leave-in conditioner in his drawer? Maybe a woman with a plugged-in beard trimmer on her counter? When evaluating the personal belongings in front of you, use your best judgement and common sense. Don't feel bad about spying; if you're ready to give this individual sexual knowledge of you, you might as well get something in return. Slutty post-vax Summer or not, knowing as much as you can about someone before you bonk them is typically a good idea—but don't be too nosy. Their drugs and personal items remain secret. You don't want to go there because those aren't what you're looking for.

Whether or not there's anything suspect in the toilet, you might find hints in other parts of the house, though you'll have to move with a bit more caution in public places if your potential bedmate is watching you.

If you're suspicious coming into this relationship, you were probably given a reason to be, whether it's residual pain from previous betrayals or anything this new paramour said when chatting you up. Don't assume they're lying, but be cautious. If they invite you to watch Netflix, keep an eye on the screen and note any user profiles that appear.

Use your knowledge of the person's likes and dislikes to your advantage if this isn't a first or one-time connection. If they don't like spicy cuisine but there's a bottle of Frank's Red Hot in the fridge when you go to fetch a beer, think about who it's for.

Every situation will have different evidence. Is there a phone charger on your partner's side of the bed where he or she does not sleep? Is there an empty space in the closet where luggage would go if its owner wasn't on a business trip while their partner philanders at home? Pretend you're an investigator hunting for information.

Suspicion might be aroused by more than just physical stuff. If you're dating someone who goes hours without replying to your texts late at night or can only hang out during specified hours, they may have demanding work or another partner with whom they're spending time. Trust your instincts when it comes to romantic relationships.

Try to add them on social media

When you try to join your new hookup on social media, the second significant red flag will certainly surface. Everyone cherishes their privacy, but Instagram followers are also important. There's a reason your lover isn't disclosing their handles. It could be something as innocent as a dislike of mixing work and leisure, but it could also be an attempt to conceal tagged images and pictures of their real significant other.

I once caught a man cheating on me in this identical manner. After seeing my Instagram Story, he forgot to block me (which is a key if you want to view a Story without its poster knowing, so write that down). Imagine my amazement when I tapped on a name I didn't recognise only to be presented with photo after photo of the man I was casually seeing with a lady who did not appear to be casually seeing him. He'd created a fictional character who, coincidentally, didn't have a girlfriend by lying about his name, work, where he lived, and even his birthdate. But he did it in real life while he wasn't with me. And when he assumed his false persona, she had no idea what he was up to.

Even if someone tries to hide their social media from you, it is now too closely linked to who they are to be reliably possible. Snapchat, TikTok, and Facebook can all scour your phone's contacts for "people you might know." You'll undoubtedly stumble across this person's pages at some time unless they're so dedicated to cheating and keeping you from noticing it that they preemptively block you on every platform. If you don't, try reverse-searching their dating profile images or Googling the information they've provided you about their life. Making up a phoney life and sticking to every lie is difficult; the truth will always come out, and you can be the one to force it.

It's then up to you how you deal with the new facts. After compiling a big folder of evidence with my buddies, I set up a phoney date with the cheater (and made them sit in the back of the bar in case he got scared during the confrontation). We almost had a good time. It was very John Tucker Must Die, but less interesting because we knew someone was going to get harmed badly.

During the mock date, I threatened the cheater with telling his girlfriend what he'd been up to, or I would—and I followed through. It was difficult to deliver such bad news to someone who had no idea what her lover was doing while she wasn't present. Remember that the person who is being cheated on is a genuine human being with thoughts, feelings, and emotions, even if you never meet them. Don't forget about the individual who is cheating if you decide to remain seeing them. There are very few instances in which everyone survives, yet it is not your fault that the cheater is cheating. Unless you're actively encouraging the cheater, the responsibility for two-timing is entirely theirs. However, keep in mind that an emotional, betrayed person might not always view it that way, so consider your readiness to be screamed at or labelled a homewrecker when deciding when and whether to tell them.

This leads to the topic of communication.

Straight-up ask

You can just inquire if you're hooking up with someone who already has a significant other for any reason. You can do it. Sure, it's embarrassing, but you never know if they're in an open relationship or going through one of those nasty breakups where they're still seeing their long-time love while trying to get back into the dating scene. Honesty is always the best policy, and being knowledgeable and aware always wins over being suspicious and cautious.

Be forthright, whether you have a stack of proof or an unsubstantiated intuition. True, I'm giving advice I didn't seek because I set up a bogus date to confront the cheater I caught, but I did so out of fear that if I texted him the evidence I planned to text her, he'd block my number from her phone. (Yes, I found her phone number on the internet, but that's a story for another day.) To be fair, once the phoney date started, I was extremely direct. Don't freak out once they're seated across from you. Even if the facts make you uncomfortable, it's always preferable to have all of them.

Sarah N., a 29-year-old New Yorker who declined to share her last name, offers similar counsel. She started talking to the keynote speaker at a conference a few years back and discovered they had a lot in common. They had sex when one thing led to another. She observed a ring on his finger on the third day of the conference and thought to herself, Surely, they must be in an open marriage.

If you do catch someone, don't fool yourself or make up situations in your imagination. It bears emphasising that it is not your fault if someone cheats on their partner with you, no matter how aggressively you flirted or how you appear. Give them the benefit of the doubt, but approach them if you notice anything suspicious. Sarah did just that, and the keynote speaker was refreshingly candid with her.

She remembered him being very deadpan about it as if it were completely usual. When I asked if they were open, he was practically disgusted. I questioned, "Did you cheat?" and he responded, "No, definitely not." I asked if it was the first time, and he responded yes. I became enraged when he tried to act as if it was. After that, he admitted it wasn't true and told me about the other ladies. I didn't want to be the girl who ended up ruining his marriage.

Let's get one thing straight: It's not you who damaged the relationship if someone cheats on you. It's them, period, and the relationship might not be ruined even then. People frequently discuss infidelity. (Learn how here.) Sarah claims that the keynote speaker is still married, however, she is unsure if he ever told her about his wandering eye. I can personally attest to the fact that the man who cheated on me is still with the girlfriend he had at the time, and she is well aware of what transpired.

It's entirely up to you what you do after discovering the huge secret. If you find a box of tampons in the bathroom of a presumably single man, you can either write a message alerting her he's a cheater or simply close the drawer. You have the option of DMing a hookup's real-life partner or closing the app if you locate them on social media. You can either keep seeing the person or block them in the hopes that they don't cheat on you with someone else. The most important thing is that you are knowledgeable and capable of making an informed decision. Now go off and investigate.