How to Tell Someone You're Only Interested in Sex Without Sounding Like a Jerk?
The title of this article
is upbeat. You'll seem like an asshole if you tell someone who has feelings for
you that you don't want to date them but do want to sleep with them. However,
there are a few ways to sound less like one. You're not a nasty person, but
it's easy for people to get wounded when sentiments are involved, so proceed
with caution as you follow the advice below.
Make sure this is really what you want
Make sure you know what
you actually want before approaching another individual and declaring that you
have little interest in their personality but plenty of interest in their body.
Are you doing this out of
fear of a new relationship or because you're still hurting from a past one? Are
you having trouble explaining how you're dating numerous people at the same
time?
It's critical to examine
your own feelings before influencing the feelings of others. If the issue isn't
that you don't want to pursue a relationship, but that you are unable to do so
for whatever reason, you may be able to work it out with the other person.
However, if all you want
is something casual and tactile, that's acceptable as well.
Start with a compliment
It's usually easier to
start a challenging topic on a positive note. This is true when quitting a job
("I've learned a lot over the last three years, but...") or telling a
stylist you don't like your hair color ("I adore how my bangs turned out,
but..."). It's also true when you're trying to let someone down gently
while luring them into sleeping with you on the side.
Even if you don't mean
to when you come out and state, that you're not interested in dating someone,
you're putting them down. It's a good start. After all, the other person has
some redeeming qualities. Try this:
Over the last few weeks,
I've enjoyed getting to know you. You're quite hilarious and attractive, but
I'm unable to commit to a relationship at this time. However, the sex is
fantastic—and I hope you agree—so if you're interested, I'd want to continue.
If you're scared that
merely wanting to have sex will insult the other person, I believe the best way
is to put it on yourself, Samantha N., a 29-year-old New Yorker who's had these
conversations a few times, noted.
In other words, accept
responsibility for your lack of interest in a connection. Clearly state that
you are not interested in dating exclusively at this time. Obviously, the most
important thing is to respect whatever answer someone has there, Samantha
continued. It's not a big problem if someone can't accomplish it. Proceed to
the next individual. It's not like you have any emotional attachment to
them."
Keep in mind that the
other person has the right to refuse this arrangement. That is their right, and
you are taking a risk.
Be as honest as you can
For two reasons, you
don't want to hurt the other person: First and foremost, you are a kind human
being who despises seeing others suffer. Second, even after you've rejected
them romantically, you still want to sleep with them.
Having stated that, you
must remain truthful. To walk the fine line between being honest and being
disrespectful, use your discretion.
Don't tell your parents
anything if your reason for simply wanting to be physical is cruel, such as
your parents disapproving of the other person. However, if they ask direct
questions, you owe them an explanation, especially if you've been dating for a
while and they like you.
Don’t be hard on yourself
There's nothing wrong
with knowing what you want, admitting it, and accepting that it's physical
rather than emotional.
"It's 2021,"
Samantha explained, "therefore it's perfectly natural, respected, and
wonderful to discuss your requirements with people."
Even if having this talk
is uncomfortable, it's best, to be honest about what you want than to
continually lead someone on.