The Rise of Sugar Dating
When
it was asked in a girls’ college if they were familiar with or knew someone who
was “sugar dating”.
Every
hand in the class went up, but the teacher had never heard of it. And sugar
dating is probably still a pretty new concept for many teachers, guidance
counsellors and parents.
For
the unknown, sugar dating is a mutually beneficial relationship, where money or
gifts are given in favour of sexual intimacy. “It’s a euphemism for commercial
sex work. ‘Sugar Babies’, people who provide sexual services, often aren’t
identified as sex workers, mainly due to the stigma attached to it. And the ‘Sugar
Daddies’ will not accept that they’re in a relationship with sex workers.”
Vixen
Temple, a 25-year-old stripper from Auckland who has been working as a sugar
baby for two years, is familiar with the sentiments of sugar daddies. She said I’ve
had sugar daddies tell me that they’ll happily have sex with me, but they had
never considered going to a brothel and having sex with, in their words ‘one of
those dirty whores.’
The
idea of sugar dating always attracted Temple, and once she started stripping,
she was frequently asked to meet up with her male clients after hours. She laughingly
said that “I watched The Girls of the Playboy Mansion and I loved the idea of
dating a Hugh Hefner type.”
And
she found plenty of sugar daddies who were much older with wives, and ‘boomers’
in marriages where their love has faded out, she explains. Most of the daddies
want sex but some of them don’t, and while the money is great, I have felt like
an on-demand girlfriend who has to have her phone by her side in case a sugar daddy
texts to meet up. She said sugar dating includes a lot of emotional labour!
Hanne
Rachael who is 28, started sugar dating in 2017 and now has an online platform
and Facebook group for sugar babies and other sex workers “The Slut Project
2.0.”
“Back
then she was working in bars and mentally was not in a good place. If she didn’t
get many hours in a week she would get anxiety, which would impact her showing
up to work, it was rather a vicious cycle,” says Rachael. “So, she signed up on
a site which everyone uses to sugar date.
Rachael
says she dated this way for several years and enjoyed the different men she met.
“A lot of the clients were respectful and a complete gentleman,” she said. They
would take me on dinner, on holidays, and I have had experiences that I would
have not experienced otherwise and I honestly enjoyed spending time with them.
Some sugar daddies were older, but one of them was 24, the same age as me.
Both
women have made arrangements that suited their individual needs – whether it is
money (Temple says earnings can be around $1000 to $10,000 a week, with them
often dating multiple daddies at once) or gifts or whatever you want. One man
gave me access to his Uber password and I could travel anywhere and order any
amount of food I wanted at his expense, says Temple. This job is not limited to
what you can earn, and you are the one calling the shots. Now that I’ve
experienced this lifestyle, I have never thought of working for minimum wage. I
want a comfortable lifestyle.”
But
the industry is not without risk. It’s the issue we have discussed on The Slut
Project, Rachael says. Unfortunately, there are many men out there looking for
girls who don’t know much and they can pay them less than they pay what they
deemed a typical escort. There is a lot of predatory behaviour out there. I too
have been scammed and not paid what I was owed, and was manipulated into having
sex without a condom.”
Temple
believes some sugar daddies think taking girls on elaborate dates is a “down
payment” on sexual services they have received and they never communicated it.
Or they think that one day you’ll fall in love with them and then they can stop
paying you. This sort of manipulation starts with little comments that they
don’t enough money this week and they’ll pay you next week. Or we have been
doing this for a long time and I am starting to catch feelings for you.
And
that manipulation is something everyone is concerned about. When there is an
older person who has had life experience and plenty of disposable income and when
they date a younger or more naive person, there occurs a power imbalance. Many
issues are related to non-payment in exchange for the services received. Young
people will easily trust their clients, and give them the service, but the
money never comes through. The big issue is assault after girls refuse a
specific sex act, there have been threats about rape, bankruptcy, and clients
using the Consumer Guarantees Act as a threat to have sexual consent.
Sugar
daddies often throw legal jargon and contractual law at young girls who have
changed their minds about sexual consent, just to freak them out. Then they
start to believe that if they have promised certain sexual activity in a text
message, they’re bound to do it.
They
most feel threatened by being exposed to their family. When the sugar baby
doesn’t want to see the sugar daddy anymore, they can likely threaten to tell
their parents or leak their sexually intimate images to them.
There
are also the risks involved in meeting strangers for dating or sex, although
Rachael says that it’s not greater than when you meet them on Tinder, Bumble or
another dating platform. It is important to tell someone you trust about your
whereabouts, what you’re doing and who you’re with,” she explains. “I’ve informed
my family about my work, so I asked my mother if she wanted to use a tracking
app. And lastly, always listen to your gut feeling, and walk away from the
situation if something doesn’t sit right with you.
Temple
has had the experience of being assaulted by a client. She says “Never
compromise on your safety for a man. If one doesn’t work out, there will be 10 more
waiting for you. And always use a condom.”
Sugar dating is a growing sector of the sex
work industry. If you ask any young woman over the age of 16, they probably know
about sugar dating and have a friend who has a profile up or knows someone who
has gone out on a date.
Social
media also plays a role here with potential daddies messaging young people
through their Snapchat, TikTok or Instagram offering money in exchange for dates.
Sometimes a young person may feel into the trap and arrange a date for some
cash without consciously deciding to do sex work.
So,
what should someone do if they’re worried about their friend, or child sugar
dating? First, don’t be judgmental. And you should be realistic about it, it’s
not just the ‘bad’ kids doing this, this exists across all social groups. It’s
normal for young people to experiment with their sexuality.
Vixen
Temple agrees. You should give them a chance to explain why they started this
work and how is it appealing and beneficial to them. Lots of sugar babies work
because it feels empowering to them, they’ve put a price on something that men have
expected for free.
Some
would like to see sex work – and sugar dating especially – included in the
sexual health curriculum at high school. They believe it would be great if
young people have information about sugaring stuff. They all know it exists and
some are doing it. Teaching people about their rights means if something goes
wrong while sugar dating, they have a platform to talk about it.
Rachael
agrees that secrecy is where shame hides and where manipulation can thrive.
Sugar
dating can be amazing and exciting but it is important to know your rights.