DO’s
and don’ts of while taking a break
Sometimes,
in a serious relationship there comes a time when you and your partner feel the
need to take a break, and put your relationship on pause. This can happen for a
variety of different reasons, maybe responsibilities at work or school are
really picking up and taking energy away from the relationship, maybe you and
your partner are forced to be long distance and need to take some time apart,
maybe one of you needs to take some time away to prioritize mental health and
self care, or maybe you need some space to evaluate if there is a long term
future for the relationship. There are a lot different, healthy reasons that
can lead you to take a break from your relationship. When both partners are on
the same page about taking a break, it can offer a degree of freedom and
opportunity for self improvement that can make the relationship stronger when
you get back together. But, it’s important to note that taking a break doesn’t
always work out. Taking a break can often jeopardize trust and communication in
a relationship if you and your partner are not honest with each other or
communicating well. Sometimes taking a break can be the beginning of the end of
your relationship... sometimes it can be the exact thing you need.
Here are
some Do’s and Don’ts you should consider if you and your partner decide that
taking a break is the best decision for your relationship:
Do discuss
the break in person
Taking a
break is a huge decision in any relationship. A decision that should be
discussed in person with your partner. It can be really hard to have
potentially difficult conversations in person, especially when texting and
talking on the phone is so easy and less intimidating. As tempting as it can be
to have these conversations over text, it’s really important to have this
discussion in person. Talking about it face to face and discussing the ground
rules (more on that below) will make sure that there are no misunderstandings.
Breaks require a huge amount of communication and honesty, if you aren’t able
to discuss taking a break in person, then a break may not be right for you in
the first place. If you are a long distance couple deciding to take a break,
this point obviously does not apply to you. But you should still try to do your
best to make the discussion seem in person. Using things like FaceTime or Zoom
can help facilitate this.
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Do set
ground rules
Breaks
will look different for different couples, so it’s important that you and your
partner discuss ground rules so that you are both on the same page about what
the break entails. Will you stay in communication? Or go cold turkey? Will you
have routine check-ins to see how your partner is feeling? Does the break mean
that you are also opening the relationship up? Is your partner allowed to sleep
with other people? Establishing these rules from the beginning and following
the rules will help maintain trust in your relationship, even when you are on a
break. It’s fine for these ground rules to evolve over the course of the break
(perhaps not talking to each other at all was too intense), as long as you are
clearly communicating the terms and expectations of the break.
Do take
time to explore the causes of the break
As we
said before, there are a lot of different reasons that couples decide to take a
break. If you are on a break, do take time to explore the causes of the break.
Are life events preventing you from prioritizing your relationship? Will those
external pressures change any time soon? Do you have the power to shift your
priorities? Or are you on a break because you are in a prolonged slump? Or do
you need time to focus on yourself? Identifying the stressors in your
relationship that led to the break and then exploring how to address these
stressors is integral to making the relationship work after the break.
Do make
the time away count
Coming to
the decision to take a break can be very difficult as a couple, so if you do
decide to take some time apart, it’s important to make that time count. Do you
need to finish a project up and work and then focus on shifting your priorities
to your relationship? Are you feeling sexually frustrated in your relationship
and need time to explore your sexuality? Do you need to see a therapist in
order to sort out your personal mental health before focusing more on your
relationship? Make sure that you are taking your time apart to do something
productive that can positively impact your relationship after the break is
over. Or, alternatively, end your relationship if there are irreconcilable
differences or things that cannot be overcome.
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Do
consider what you want the relationship to look like if you get back together
Breaks
are a great time for both reflection and forward thinking. While you are on a
break, it’s important to think about what you want the future of your
relationship to look like, and how it will be different from things before the
break. What kind of changes will inspire you to continue to commit to the
partner and the relationship? A break doesn’t just end for things to go back to
normal, so it’s important to consider what needs to happen to make the
relationship work. This could look like a list of changes that need to happen,
like move to the same city, go to couples therapy or have weekly check-ins.
Don’t set
a definitive time frame
If you
and your partner decided to take a break, it’s important to set ground rules,
but it’s important that you leave the time frame of your break more open. If
you are taking space from the relationship to work through specific things it’s
hard to know exactly how much time you will need. Creating a definitive time
frame might create added pressure during the break, which can cause stress and
make it more difficult to reconcile differences and end the break. Instead of
creating a definitive time frame, you and your partner should plan on checking
in with one another to talk about when you are ready for the break to be over.
It’s fine to have a general idea of a timeline for the break, perhaps “after
this semester of school” or “after this big project is over at work”, but you
should leave the exact timeline open for discussion throughout the break.
Don’t
have unrealistic expectations
Many
relationships can recover from taking a break and actually turn out to be
stronger than before, but that is not always the case. If you and your partner
are unable to set clear boundaries and rules in the beginning, or are unable to
stick to those things during the break, then your relationship might not make
it. When going into a break it’s important to have realistic expectations about
the future of the relationship. Taking a break is not going to fix underlying
problems in your relationship unless you put some serious work in during your
time apart. A lot of couples think that taking time apart will make their
relationship strong (think of the often misguided adage that distance makes the
heart grow fonder), but that is not always the case, and you need to brace
yourself in case things go south.
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Don’t use
this time vindictively
Sometimes
a huge fight or some sort of breach of trust will lead couples to take a break.
If this is the case for you, it’s important not to try and get back at your
partner while you are on the break. If they cheated on you, a break is not the
time to sleep around, unless you have okayed that in your ground rules. Breaks
should be a period of healing that can lead to reconciliation, not a period of
retribution.
Don’t
take a break to avoid a breakup
Sometimes
people are tempted to take a break from the relationship when they should actually
just end the relationship. While some issues can be resolved by taking some
time apart, not everything can. Some relationship issues boil down to
irreconcilable differences that cannot be solved with a break. While it might
seem easier and less painful to take a break and slowly let things fizzle out,
that just drags the relationship out longer.
Don’t
force getting back together
Sometimes
breaks end if you and your partner decide not to get back together. While it’s
never good to take a break to avoid a breakup, sometimes breaks naturally lead
to breakups even if that’s not the direction you saw it going. If your time and
space away from the relationship offers clarity and reveals that it was not a
sustainable relationship, then you should end things. Don’t feel pressure to
get back with your partner if you come to the realization that there isn’t a
future together as a couple.
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