'Being
chill' in relationships, dating apps, and the commodification of love
The
majority of the studies and articles on dating and love in India are
data-driven and based on dating app analytics. Rarely do the authors discuss
their own methods for discovering love in all its manifestations. This might be
a result of the separation of academics and love or the emotional effort
required to reflect on one's own life.
Indians
in general and Malayalis, in particular, are perceived to have a distinct division
between their private and public life. Kerala is renowned for its left-leaning
politics, literate populace, and secularism, which are reflected in its small
but significant (19.65%) inter-caste marriage figure. True "love
marriages" are still uncommon rather than the rule in Kerala.
Malay
society does not have a widespread dating culture; hence, it is neither
socially nor familially acceptable. However, it continues to be a popular habit
among young people who keep it to themselves. This essay is a component of an
analysis of Malayalis' dating experiences, including mine. (It should be
highlighted that only 20-something middle-class (and/or upper-middle-class)
English-educated persons who use dating apps are the subject of this article.)
Since
I'm 27 years old, using dating apps is neither unique nor routine. They entered
my life sometime in my early 20s when I had become weary of men trying to
rationalise my dating decisions and convince me to date them instead of the
others. To investigate the love patterns of a 20-something Kochiite, I would
want to be more detailed and remark on modern dating practices in this post.
The cultural centre of Kerala and the only city that can be compared to other
large Indian cities is Kochi. Before 2018, I hardly ever utilised dating apps
in Kochi. My Amma's house in Kochi appeared much more lonely than I remembered
when I returned after spending two years living abroad. There were also no
romantic interests or friends in the city. I was on Bumble in a matter of
clickety-clicks.
From
Tinder to Hinge to Coffee Meets Bagel and Bumble, there are numerous
dating/hook-up applications. I turned to the self-described gender-sensitive
app Bumble, where women are encouraged to "make the first move." The
bar is regrettably pretty low when it comes to gender awareness, whether it be
in people or technology, despite the fact that research suggests there isn't
much of a difference between Tinder and Bumble.
Being
laid back is the ideal method to transgress boundaries, obtain consent, and
casually confront political insensitivity without facing backlash. People are
now free to ignore consequences and their feelings. This is the ideal time to
make everything humorous. Women tend to avoid speaking up about disrespect in
these situations out of fear of looking uncool. An ideal utopia is created,
especially for the dominant caste, cis-men, by the date-ability granted to
women of all categories in private areas and the culture of
"chilling," which promotes relationships with no obligations or
accountability attached.
The
technology absorbs the values of its creator. According to research, those who
use dating apps give a variety of motives for doing so, including networking,
entertainment, marketing, looking for a life mate or a relationship, casual
dating, having sex, and hooking up. Why are you on the app? This is a question
I've been asked by the majority of my matches. It is a combination of things;
thus, I have responded differently to various individuals.
Relationship
"situations" are thought to be a natural result of the contemporary
sociality of love, based on my personal experience and the experiences of my
friends who look for dates online. A situationship is a term coined out of what
appears to be a fear of love that describes a romantic relationship that has
developed or is more than a friendship but is not an official relationship. The
result of capitalism aggressively commodifying love is situationship. By
producing "cool people," it perpetuates exploitation and patriarchy.
The
ability to remain unconcerned by anything, from personal concerns like care and
permission to social concerns like political incorrectness, is praised,
especially in the case of women. People can devote less time and effort to
their personal lives because it does not need reciprocity. In turn, this
elevates the bare minimum to the ideal and normalises conformity with the
culture of careless dating. Additionally, especially in the private sector, it
is a wonderful fit for the unbalanced work-life balance of 20-something young
adults.
You
have a variety of partnership options, including marriage, which you are free
to choose or reject. Being single or choosing a relationship other than
marriage, however, demands multiple brave acts in our culture because it goes
against the dominant moral and socio-cultural paradigm. All personal matters,
notably marriage, require parental consent. When two of my academic friends and
I were discussing inter-caste marriages, one of them mentioned how they always
knew they would marry someone from the same caste because "it is simply
easier." Therefore, the ability to date and the ability to get married are
two different things. You are free to date anyone you think is attractive, but
when it comes to marriage, you must follow the rules.
People
who object to the convenience enjoyed by the group's males are silenced and
"tamed" by the chilling culture. Feminists, on the other hand, are
ridiculed for advocating for gender equality. The cis-het manifesto of chilling
appears to essentially say, "Feminists ought to quit acting out." In
our ideal world, each feminist would receive a tranquillizer. a setting where
we could happily indulge in misogyny. Women could return to the kitchen after a
quick hug-out session.
When
it's simpler to misunderstand consent.
#Metoo
and the growth of online feminist communities have shown us how many
individuals utterly overlook the most fundamental emotional and sexual dating
etiquette. Even declining "simple chores" like going on a date is viewed
as something that may be changed with a little prodding. I've gone on dates a
lot of times after initially turning down offers because of persistent
pestering. Being agreeable to others is a quality that is highly valued,
especially for ladies, according to the music we grew up listening to,
"What Would Others Think?"
Fights
are called arguments and disputes, and we are not taught to engage in
productive conflict. Sometimes it is simpler to accept a meeting than to avoid
being called a "bitch." The term "bitch" is frequently used
to describe women who voice their disapproval and is virtually always directed
at them. Even if you have the fortitude to not be concerned by another person's
viewpoint, you may still be impacted by it.
What
is the harm in it? is a persistent internalised question that encourages such
compliance. No means a maybe as long as there is no damage or damage that is
likely to occur. This covers a wide range of topics. My friends have told me
countless stories about situations when a breach of consent is seen as the
norm. Consent violations include things like demanding that someone not use a
condom, refusing to stop after sexual contact, pressuring someone to go on a
date, and sending intimate images without seeking permission.
We
are attempting to get along with a stranger when it comes to internet dating.
The code of chilling requires that we, especially women, refrain from
overreacting and remain calm, lovable, and engaging at the same time.
Additionally, heterosexual cisgender men have always acted unsure of what
constitutes consent. Phrases like "I did not think you would mind
it," "I did not think of it as coercion," "I thought you
were just shy," "I just really wanted to meet you," and "I
was in my head," and others are ready-made clichés that can be used
whenever the mood strikes.
There
is a new generation of males that support the sexual emancipation of women that
sprang from feminism. They do not want to push it too far, though, as that
might only turn out to be a minor inconvenience. It's also interesting to see
how well-versed they are in consent-related matters when it pertains to
themselves.
What
have I learned from online dating?
We
live and date online in the modern day. Our lives are urban because we live in
the modern era. Regarding addressing inequities, we have made incredibly little
progress. Inequalities based on gender, caste, and class are still present and
are growing. By stifling disagreements, the culture of "chilling" in
relationships in general and romantic ones, in particular, has made the matter
worse. We celebrate apathy. We aren't conversing, arguing, or sharing; we're
just chilling.
Caste
is less visible in Indian cities than it is elsewhere in the nation,
particularly in Kerala, where last names are frequently derived from your
father's first name, however, individuals still take care to insinuate one's
caste. Women typically do not enter their full identities on dating apps in
order to deter stalking and attract less attention.
I
have middle-class privilege, which gives me the opportunity to dress
"fashionably," and I can speak English effectively. My somewhat
lighter skin tone gives me the capacity to pass for a woman of the ruling
caste. I've always had access to the savarnas' chats because of this.
However,
because "we are all woke," 20-something folks do not explicitly
disparage members of marginalised castes. But they would casually bring up
their own caste in conversation, particularly when it came to marriage. Caste
discussion is not the same as being a casteist. Young people, who are largely
casteist in their personal preferences, glorify caste blindness, which
practically rejects the existence of caste. Everyone should discuss caste,
consider their privileges, and cease denying its existence.
My
bisexuality is not subject to the same surprise that was applied to my caste.
My bisexuality is accepted everywhere, and cis-het guys seem to approve of it.
They become animated at the mere mention of "lesbian action" and
contrast it with "unthinkable" gay sex. The sexist propensity, in
which women are viewed as objects of pleasure, is where the disdain for gay sex
originates. a job allocated only for women.
In
terms of my caste and sexuality, I still prefer to come out of the closet. I
want to hang out with folks who are familiar with me. But it is quite
exhausting. Although harder, it is better.
Additionally,
I've found that the majority of my matches on dating apps come from comparable
socioeconomic backgrounds. Our social and cultural upbringing shapes our tastes
and inclinations. To recognise the elitism that is so ingrained in our daily
routines, we must practise constant reflection. Dating has evolved into a
consumerist act of love that is exclusively accessible to the wealthy, from
selecting pricy cafes, pubs, and restaurants to organising spontaneous
vacations and nights out.
Whatever
kind of equation we want to establish, we need to stop learning and start
loving one another. If we don't, we won't be able to identify the alienation we
experience on a daily basis and address the need for intersectional strategies
to achieve parity. Our love and community cultures need to be reinvented. It's
nothing short of a revolution.