11 Topics to Discuss to Spark Connection on A First Date, According To A Dating Coach
It
might be challenging to have a stimulating discussion on a first date. Many
times, you're conversing with a complete stranger about whom you know very
little, but you also kind of want to impress them and are sort of trying to
gauge their compatibility. A much is going on at once!
Here
are a few topics to discuss during this initial meeting to help keep the
conversation going.
What
to discuss on a first date?
1. Begin with a conversation that is casual and relevant.
Feel
no obligation to launch into an interrogation as soon as a first date begins.
Once you've built up some basic trust between you, the deeper topics will flow
more naturally.
Try
starting a brief discussion that is informal and relevant to the situation when
you initially arrive on the date. Ask her whether she's been here before, how
she found it, and what she likes about it, for instance, if your date chose the
restaurant, you're at. Alternately, if you're in a pub that specializes in
unusual cocktails, inquire about his favorite beverage and share your own. You
might also discuss the region of town you're in and how long each of you has
lived there, a unique piece of jewelry or apparel your date is wearing, or
their origins before meeting up with you.
Let
the discussion go naturally from there; perhaps they'll mention how difficult
it is to locate decent Thai restaurants in the city you're in or a good friend
who has brought them here previously, or how much they enjoy dining outside.
Pay attention to the conversation that ensues, probe further, and then add your
own reflections or anecdotes that touch on your date's recent revelations.
Although
this type of discussion is sometimes referred to as "small talk," the
secret to making it feel lively and intriguing is to truly pay attention to
what the other person is saying and take advantage of any chances to start
revealing unusual facts about yourselves. By making these early disclosures and
establishing rapport, the next talk will flow much more easily and naturally.
2. Inquire as to how their day or week has been.
You
might think that this is a standard query, but don't let that be the case.
Consider this query as a technique to learn more about the person's current top
concerns. When people discuss how their day or week is going, they typically
share a little bit about what's presently spinning their wheels—what issues
they're currently experiencing, what goals they're currently pursuing, or what
joys are currently lighting them up.
The
fact that the conversation sometimes feels like an interview with each person
taking turns asking the other the standard get-to-know-you questions is one of
the reasons why first dates may feel so awkward. It can be helpful to make an
effort to understand their environment as they are experiencing it right now in
order to break down barriers to genuine connection and move past stock
reactions. A wonderful approach to do that is to inquire about their current
circumstances.
Ask
a follow-up question to show them that you really want to learn more about
their response, even if it's just an irritated sigh and a quick statement about
how demanding the job is.
Examples
of queries
· So,
how have you been today?
· Follow-up:
What's been so stressed about it, you ask?
· How
has your week been going?
· Follow-up:
How was that experience for you, by the way?
· Follow-up:
That seems like a lot. Was that week typical for you?
· Follow-up:
It's good that you got to see your folks for a while. With them, are you close?
3. Discuss the actual events in your world.
Also,
mention the issues that are now on your mind. Clara Artschwager, a dating
coach, advises bringing your whole, messy, imperfect self to your dates. Don't
worry about attempting to simply showcase your greatest successes; instead, be
honest about how your life is really going right now, good and terrible.
According to Artschwager, people prefer to be around people who are open and
vulnerable.
"You
feel good when you meet someone and you see they are comfortable with
themselves, whether it's in a romantic or professional setting. Whether you
realize it or not, that encourages you to be vulnerable "She just informed
mbg. "At that point, we think, "This is a wonderful interaction."
This talk is pleasant."
4. Discuss a particular aspect of their dating profile.
A
person's dating profile is a great location to explore for ideas for first-date
conversation topics if you and your match met through a dating app. Examine
their profile before meeting them and try to think of a conversation starter
for them. Not only does this demonstrate that you truly paid attention to the
information they choose to offer, but what a person writes in their profile
might also reveal some information about what they are currently thinking
about.
5. Take note of the details and inquire about them.
Try
to grasp what they are saying and feeling while they speak by actively
listening to them rather than trying to plan your response for when they finish
talking. Then, address and support what you're hearing and observing about
them.
Couples
therapist, recently told mbg that "people often open up more when they're
being seen, heard, acknowledged, and listened to in the minor elements of who
they are and how they express themselves."
6. Genuinely compliment them.
Complimenting
your partner—and not simply on their appearance—is another approach to
demonstrate that you're paying close attention to them. A little playful
flirtation can be entertaining, but in addition, try to find ways to enhance
your date's character or vitality. See what minor details you notice that you
really like about being around this person after you've been chatting to them
for a while.
"Celebrate
it," advises Muoz, "noticing someone's jewelry, the logo on their
T-shirt, their overall energy level, their sense of humor, and their manner of
expressing themselves."
7. Enquire about their opinions of their jobs.
Their
occupation will certainly naturally come up at some time during the chat. Ask
them how they feel about it instead of just finding out what they do for a
living; you'll probably get a lot more intriguing and sincere response.
According
to relationship expert Julie Nguyen, "it's formulaic to talk about work,
so if you're going to start there, you might as well take it further."
"What about their work interests them? What about their career doesn't
excite them? What do they aspire to in the future? As children, what did they wish
to be? Simple inquiries can become in-depth conversations where you learn the
essence of who they are as a person rather than receiving a scripted response
by approaching them with interest."
Examples
of queries
· Are
you happy with your job? What do you like and not like about it?
· Work
with your team, employer, and clients, do you enjoy it?
· How
did you begin working in that field?
· Have
you had a desire to work in this field forever?
· What
do you plan to do later on?
· What
profession would you pursue if you could work anywhere in the world?
· How
would you be spending your days if money were not a concern?
8. Find out what they are currently passionate about.
It
won't make everyone happy to talk about work, because people are so much more
than their job descriptions. Find ways to inquire about all the different
activities that people choose to engage in. Asking a person what they are
currently passionate about or love can allow them to share things that genuinely
make them happy, such as a new podcast they just discovered and can't stop
listening to, their interest in astrology and crystals, or a brand-new creative
project they've started experimenting with on the weekends.
9. Inquire about their experiences over the past few years.
You
can begin to ask questions that go into the more in-depth topics after you feel
that you and your conversation partner have established sufficient
conversational trust. For instance, inquire about their progress since COVID
joined our life a few years ago. You're nearly certain to get more personal
with this question because practically everyone has been affected, at least to
some degree.
Be
careful as you enter this section of the conversation: You can find yourself
engaging in a politically charged discussion about how people have or haven't
responded to experiencing a pandemic, or you might find yourself talking about
how isolation and Zoom fatigue have damaged your mental health. Don't worry if
it turns out to be the latter; although some people feel that discussing
politics should be avoided on a first date, the truth is that it's best to find
out as soon as possible whether the two of you share the same values and
opinions. It may or may not be a deal-breaker for each of you, but it's crucial
to be aware of any potential disparities with anyone you're thinking about
dating.
10. Discover more about their family.
Speaking
of digging deeper, finding out more about your date's family might help you
learn more about their history and the reasons behind their characteristics.
Examples
of queries
· How
close are you to your family?
· What
kind of relationship do you have with your parents?
· What
about your siblings? Do you have an older, younger, or middle child?
· What
was it like growing up?
· Did
you enjoy your childhood home?
11. Find out what they are currently seeking on a date.
Last
but not least, it only makes sense to inquire about each other's dating plans
and goals when you're out on a date. Whether you're searching for a casual,
serious, or different kind of relationship, you should make sure you and your
partner are on the same page.
Examples
of queries
· What
do you want to get out of dating these days?
· Why
are you using dating apps?
· Do
you value relationships?
· I
often prefer to take my time getting to know someone. Who are you?
What not to discuss.
Nguyen
says, "I don't really consider anything off-topic to chat about on a first
date.
Even
if it's conventional wisdom that you shouldn't discuss politics or religion on
a first date, the days of trying to amicably resolve disputes are long gone.
According to a 2021 study by the dating app Bumble, 62% of adults think it's
important to discuss important social issues on a first date, such as gender equality,
race, the environment, and more. Additionally, 75% of adults said they'd only
date someone if their political and social views were mostly in alignment.
The
sooner you can find out where a potential spouse stands on the topics that
matter to you, the better. If you're looking for a long-term companion, similar
values are going to be a vital underpinning for your relationship. This is not
to mean that you should spend the entire first date interrogating each other
about their opinions on various political issues, but you also shouldn't feel
the need to hide your principles.
However,
there are some topics you might want to stay away from discussing on a first
date, such as:
· Trauma: Nguyen
does advise against "trauma dumping" during a date. Discussing
intense personal traumas on a first date can seem very weighty and put a lot of
pressure on your date to hold space for you. This is something they probably
didn't anticipate to be asked of them over a casual coffee at two in the
afternoon. She cautions against sharing too much too soon.
· Your
Highlight reel: Similarly, be aware of how much time you
spend gushing about your achievements, adventures, and other qualities you
believe make you special. Recall that this is not a job interview. The goal
here, as Artschwager notes, is to let this person see the complete, true
you—flaws, doubts, demons, and all—rather than just the best parts of you.
· Hot
feelings for your ex: According to Nguyen, it can occasionally
be okay to talk about previous dating and relationship experiences during a
first date. Just be careful not to spend too much time discussing specific
relationships, especially if you've recently broken up. Your date might get the
impression that you haven't moved on if you can't stop talking about your ex.
Many people can also view trash-talking your ex as a warning sign.
· How
much you want a relationship: While it's vital to be
clear about what you want from dating, it's also critical to be able to tell
when your approach to dating is one of scarcity. For starters, meeting a
complete stranger who already has a lot of expectations of us and how much we
are expected to contribute to their lives isn't something that most of us find
really exciting. That can undermine your attraction while also putting a lot of
strain on your date. Rather than those who have a lot they're asking for, we
are drawn to folks who seem to have a full life and who themselves have a lot
to offer those around them.
How to continue the discussion.
A
few strategies exist to prevent awkward pauses:
1. Follow up with intelligent questions.
When
your date shares information with you, acknowledge it ("That's
wonderful!") and then follow up with a question ("Have you always
been so ambitious?").
2. Avoid switching topics too abruptly.
Allow
your date to talk as much as they want on the present issue as you take your
time with each topic, aiming to paint a complete picture of this aspect of
their life or thoughts. In order for them to receive a whole image of you, make
sure you also take the time to express your ideas or personal experiences
linked to the subject.
3. Identify the discomfort.
In
actuality, awkward pauses do occur. There are moments when you simply can't
think of anything to say. It's acceptable to acknowledge your memory loss or
bring up the awkwardness of first dates. If it appeals to you, you can even
make light of the issue. Sometimes all it takes to diffuse the tension and turn
it into a connecting moment is to name the discomfort and share a joke about
it.
4. Appreciate the quiet.
It's
not necessarily a negative thing to be silent. It's acceptable to step back and
take a break if the conversation naturally lulls at that point. Observe your
surroundings. What intriguing activities are taking place in your immediate
surroundings? You can still express yourself while you're watching; for
example, a smile and a contented "mmm" sound will show your date that
the stillness doesn't disturb you and that you're still having fun. You may
even say so out loud, or you could make a comment about what you're absorbing
from the surroundings. For instance, "The wind feels so lovely, my God.
These kinds of afternoons are my favorite." What do you believe the
couple over there is talking about, for example?
Conclusion
On
a first date, you can generally talk about whatever you're feeling like talking
about. Nearly any subject is fair game for conversation, as Nguyen notes, as
long as it is done thoughtfully. What's more fascinating, she continues, is
managing the date's tension so that you don't divulge either too much or too
little information. "Having the appropriate attitude and keeping your
sharing in check deepens the encounter considerably by bringing excitement to
the date."
Ask
questions to encourage your date to think about the same things that are
thrilling, significant, and interesting to them as you do. A final reminder:
Have fun on your dates! Put your attention on having fun, getting to know this
person truly, letting them get to know you, and generally having a good time.