Date Wisely, Not Hard
When
I started seeking my soul mate seriously, my perception of Jewish dating
became slightly distorted. I had never seen Fiddler on the Roof, so I wasn't
familiar with the tune "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match." I didn't
believe that anyone else—let alone God—would be very important to my
achievement. All of it fell on me.
Making
small talk with someone of the other gender at a Jewish singles gathering at a
synagogue or other nearby location seemed more like a duty than a social
activity when it came to dating.
As
a single 20-something in Los Angeles, I networked, put myself out there, and
attended hip singles events, only to find myself in one disastrous relationship
after another and be continually startled by the results.
I
tried to comfort myself for a while by telling myself that each terrible dating
experience was somehow instructive and would prevent me from making the same
mistakes again. This works for a time. Then it grew old and I became aware that
I was not growing older. I realized I needed to learn how to date, so I made
that decision.
After all, why go on dates?
After
giving it a lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that dating was not for me
to make up for my lack of a social life or to combat my loneliness. In the end,
it was for marriage.
Saying
this aloud, or rather mumbling it to myself, made me reflect on why I kept
dating men who weren't marriage material (for me). In my opinion, dating still
entailed only showing up and waiting for something to click. I believed that I
would just prevail over everyone with who I believed to be on par.
I
made the decision that I needed to learn how to make the most of my time and
lessen my suffering if I were serious about courting for marriage.
I
grew increasingly intrigued by Judaism's perspectives on dating. I discovered
that while dating for marriage, there are three key factors to take into
account: attraction, character attributes, and shared life goals. The last two
things had never crossed my mind previously, but after some reflection, I came
to the conclusion that I had been wasting a lot of time without them.
I
immediately discovered that there is a lot more to say about dating out of
need. With this new knowledge, I altered the manner I started dating, which had
a significant influence on my life.
I
found that when people are dating with the intention of getting married, they
do not want to waste time or pay attention to unimportant details. Even yet, it
was challenging for me to decide what to emphasize and what to consider less
significant while assessing a potential life mate. I stayed on course by
concentrating on these three key ideas:
Attraction
Even
though it seems simple, I want to underline how crucial attraction is. To marry
someone, you must be attracted to them on all levels—physically, spiritually,
psychologically, emotionally, and intellectually. Even if "Matchmaker,
Matchmaker..." matches you with someone who is attractive on paper,
getting married should only be considered if you are ecstatic about the
prospect of spending the rest of your life with that person.
The
idea of attraction can have varied meanings to different people, it is crucial
to note. Unfortunately, our subconscious is heavily influenced by the media in
terms of who and what we find beautiful and to what extent. After a few dates,
if you have to convince yourself that you could tolerate it if the person held
your hand but you feel that this would be a kind gesture on your part, you
don't need another date as a confirmation. Although it can take time to develop
or know if there is a basic level of attraction. Be kind and bid farewell.
Personality traits
Assuming
that there is an attraction between the two people, character traits become the
next important focus. Character qualities are not the same as a personality when
I use the term. Even if they appear lovely on the outside, not everyone is
decent on the inside. Observing how someone treats children, animals, and those
who work for them, such as waiters, salespeople, or cab drivers, is a good method
to judge their character.
I
once went out for drinks on a date. Although the service was a little slow
and the establishment wasn't really busy, I didn't think it was a significant
concern. I was quite embarrassed for both of us when my companion treated the
waiter in such a seriously nasty manner. It made no difference that my date had
given me roses. I just recall one thing about that date—he was extremely harsh
to the waitress. It is simple to put on one's best behavior while attempting
to impress someone, but paying attention to how someone behaves in less
prominent situations can reveal a lot about their character.
Typical Life Goals
It
can be a mistake to continue a relationship because "She's simply so
nice" or "We have such fantastic chemistry," among other things.
However, you are wasting your time if she doesn't want to be friends with your
children from a previous marriage or if your "chemistry partner" has
stated out loud that he is not interested in getting married.
It
is essential for a potential spouse to share similar life objectives.
Lifestyles are frequently confused with life goals. Two persons who adore
tennis share a desire for a similar way of life. However, if those same two
people cannot agree on whether or not to have children, they most certainly
cannot agree on an essential life objective.
Marrying
someone based solely on their potential or the person you hope they will become
is a typical error to avoid. Don't get married believing your spouse would
change if they have a drug addiction, a bad temper, a lack of financial
constraint, etc. but are otherwise "ideal" for you. Regarding who you
are and the life you want, you must be honest. As a result, you must be honest
with the people you date and the direction of your relationship.
I
had the tools I needed to obtain the clarity I needed to recognize my husband
because I had taken the time to research dating over the years. I came up with
the acronym DATE, which enabled me to maintain my concentration throughout my
search:
Define Life
Objectives
Assess Attraction
Level
Try
it (3 Dates). Move on if you don't like it!
Evaluate
Character Strength
· Define life
objectives- To determine if you and a possible
spouse share similar life goals, you must be aware of your own.
· Assess Attraction
Level- Being attracted is like getting God's approval.
It is essentially impossible to forge a meaningful relationship without it.
· Try
it- Even
if someone is pleasant, you shouldn't continue dating them if it is obvious
that there is no hope for the relationship.
· Evaluate
Character Strength- We're all working to become our best
selves. There is no making up for serious offenses in this area; it is a
lifelong journey.
Lists?
Having
a list before you go shopping is a good idea. You are less likely to return
home with a cartload of donuts, soda, smokes, and grocery store tabloids if
healthy food options and other household necessities are on your shopping list,
isn't that, right? However, a lot of folks I've spoken to in the dating scene
(both former and current participants) have indicated a strong aversion to
lists. Sometimes you might disqualify a wonderful person for a less important
cause. Is it wise to write off this incredibly great person you just met at the
outset just because they only have nine of the ten qualities you consider
essential in a spouse?
You
might have strong feelings about getting married to a baseball enthusiast. The
word "Red Sox" can be mistaken for a typo by your soul mate. Is it
still worthwhile to pass them up for a second date if they respect you and your
passion of baseball? By adhering to a straightforward but inflexible rule, you
may be able to concentrate on real, complex attraction and judge whether or not
someone is a good match as a life mate.
If,
after a few dates, the attraction is not increasing, you discover that you have
different life goals, and you are unsure that you will bring out the best in
that person, gently end the relationship and be grateful for the clarity.
Although ending a relationship is never easy, it is preferable to do it after
three dates than after three children.
Although
I would never choose to return to the frequently perilous route of single life,
the clarity I obtained while discovering more efficient dating techniques
ultimately helped me walk down the aisle to my spouse. Consider your goals in
life and the ideal companion with whom to share them. Avoid getting sidetracked
and manage your time well. In other words, date wisely rather than foolishly,
and may your journey be quick and enjoyable!