Mom guilt: actionable tips to get over feeling like a bad mother

Although having a child is a tremendous adjustment and might appear to treble your to-do list overnight, you wouldn't exchange your parental position for all the time in the world. Additionally, you can feel inadequate or bad if any of these things aren't completed (which they won't).

All new parents occasionally experience these emotions, which is acceptable. But some ways may assist if your mom's guilt is getting too much and you're having trouble with your guilty thoughts.

The belief that you should be doing more or that you're a bad mother is known as mom guilt. Comparing yourself to other mothers, who may be crafting with their children while you have yours hooked to the iPad, may lead to feelings of inadequacy and mom guilt.

It may also have something to do with the kind of parent you hope to be. The uncertainty you experience every morning when you put your child off to a full-day preschool or the desire to be more present rather than always complete a job assignment.

Mom guilt can be brought on by a variety of factors, including working as a mother or having a different parenting philosophy from your friends or family. Mom guilt is common, but it's crucial not to let it rule your emotions all the time.

What is mom's guilt?

Mom guilt, often known as mommy guilt, is the term used to describe the sentiments of guilt women have regarding their children. Mom guilt is especially common in new mothers. They strive to get everything right while worrying about making errors all the time. Mom's guilt results from having an unattainable vision of the ideal mother.

The first thing you need to know if you're feeling mom guilt is that it's entirely normal. Give yourself a break; beating yourself up for feeling guilty will just make things worse.

Professional women are especially prone to mom guilt. Professional women frequently struggle between the need to keep working and conflicting emotions about leaving their kids.

Their inability to spend more time with their child may cause them to experience grief or ambivalence. For not wanting to spend more time with their child, they could feel guilty. A major source of stress and worry for them may also be the expense, caliber, and practicalities of finding daycare while they are working.

It's very typical to have mom guilt every now and then. But if you can't control it, it could make you feel like you're not a good enough mother.

Shame and guilt are not the same things; in fact, one leads to the other. Mom's guilt feelings center on your actions, such as "I don't spend enough time with my child." Feelings of shame, such as "I'm a lousy mom," result from this emphasis. These emotions may have an influence on your mental health if they are not handled.

Causes of mom guilt

Moms may experience guilt for a variety of reasons, such as working while raising children or just feeling bored. You could feel isolated if you have mom guilt. You could even start to feel as though you have a problem. Fear not, there isn't.

Below, we've outlined the main reasons for mom guilt to help you realize that what you're feeling is normal.

Breastfeeding: One of the first issues that might cause new mothers to experience mom guilt is breastfeeding. Some people find it easy, while others find it more difficult. They could not have enough milk, find it too much to handle, or possibly develop D-MER.

When you have dysphoric milk ejection reflex (D-MER), you experience a surge of unfavorable feelings during nursing. According to Alia Heise, some women have an excess of the hormone prolactin, which is responsible for generating milk.

Many women had severe guilt and humiliation over how nursing affected them before learning about D-MER. However, it becomes simpler to accept these emotions if you realize that it's a completely normal biological response.

Although there is nothing wrong with feeding your infant formula, many new mothers experience guilt due to long-gone taboos. If it applies to you, stop concentrating on what people expect of you. To identify the best course of action for you and your infant, trust your gut.

Being a working mom or not: Another prevalent type of mom guilt is working mom guilt, especially in nations like the US where the standard maternity leave is only 12 weeks. It might be embarrassing to leave your infant in daycare at such a young age. However, guilt for stay-at-home mothers is also genuine. You could be concerned that by staying home from work, you're not being a good role model.

Being bored: Caregiving might occasionally be dull, even if you like being a mother, and that's good.

It's common to want more sophisticated discourse or enlightening television than Peppa Pig. It's also common to miss the activities you used to engage in before becoming a parent, such as arranging last-minute dinner dates with your pals.

Too much screen time for children: You should restrict how much time your children spend in front of screens. However, there are moments when you simply need some alone time.

Giving children a little more screen time is okay if it allows you ten minutes to take a much-needed bath.

Seeking assistance: Don't feel bad if you need help; you're not intended to raise a child alone, as the saying goes.

Most people in modern society are raising children without the assistance of a large extended family. However, attempting to do everything on your own might result in carer fatigue, particularly if your kids have special needs. If you need help, there is no shame in asking for it.

Failing to spend "enough" time with your kids: It's crucial to spend time with your children. But that doesn't imply you have to be with them constantly. And keep in mind that kids will progressively distance themselves from you as they become older and begin to experience other phases of life.

Don't feel bad about leaving kids with a babysitter if you decide you need a spa day to unwind and enjoy some alone time. Reframe your self-care day such that it will enable you to be your best self while spending time with them.

Judgy family members: Feelings of parent guilt may be sparked by family members' unsolicited remarks and suggestions. But keep in mind that you are not required to raise your children in the same manner as other people simply because they did. You can determine the optimal parenting style for your children because they and you are both unique.

During the Holiday season, when stress levels are already high, these types of judgments might irritate you even more. This could result in emotional outbursts that make you feel bad.

Getting irritable and losing your temper: Parenting is challenging, and unlike your full-time career, you are never allowed a break. It's normal to occasionally find your children bothersome. You're only human, thus it's also okay to lose your anger with them or your partner. You cope with hormone changes, lack of sleep, and other things as a new parent. Nobody, not even your kids, expects you to maintain your composure and composure at all times. Just be sure to say you're sorry to them afterward.

Comparison: It's so simple to view social media and believe that another mother is a better mom than you. But you're contrasting your reality with her carefully chosen highlights. She feels just as inadequate as you do if you could only see the truth behind it.

Postpartum depression: Consult your healthcare physician if you believe your mom's guilt has gotten out of hand. Your extreme guilt feelings might be a symptom of postpartum depression.

How to overcome mom's guilt?

Mom guilt may be difficult, but there are several methods to deal with issues that cause you to feel anxious or guilty.

Recognize your guilt: Feeling guilty is acceptable! Most moms experience occasional guilt. Being asked to do everything all the time is ridiculous given how tough having a baby and raising kids is. You're not a superman; you're a person.

Once you've admitted that you feel guilty, try to identify the specific reason why you feel that way. With a partner or acquaintance, you might be able to come up with some ways to assist lessen your guilt.

Concentrate on your successes: Make sure to give yourself some credit. You could have finished doing your laundry, deep-cleaned your house, or prepared your meals for the next week. Or perhaps you took your infant to the park to play on the playground or feed the ducks. Instead of focusing on all you wish you had done, concentrate on what you have already accomplished.

People who guilt-trip you should be avoided: Try to limit your encounters with those who make you feel bad in the discussion, even if you might not be able to entirely avoid that relative who appears to evaluate every move you do. It's acceptable to conceal or unfriend someone who consistently makes you feel horrible on social media. Spend some time finding individuals who will encourage and support you.

Put yourself first: It’s crucial to exercise self-care so that you can provide your infant with the finest care possible. You cannot provide yourself or your kid with the care they both need if you don't take the time to eat healthfully or get enough sleep. Spend some time taking care of yourself so that you can be at your best and more patient with your child.

Include your spouse: It might be simple to overlook your spouse when you're a mother since you may feel as though everything is vying for your attention and that you need to attend to everything at once. Additionally, it's normal to feel as though you are doing more than they are. Spend time alone with your partner each week to rekindle your relationship and discuss topics unrelated to your child or housework. Maintaining a good relationship requires this type of communication.

Distribute your duties: Once you've examined the areas where you feel guilty, you could discover that there are tasks you can assign to others. If your spouse is willing to help out more around the house, you might want to consider hiring a part-time babysitter or housekeeper to help out. You may consider hiring a part-time nanny or housekeeper to assist lighten some of your workloads, or perhaps your partner can help out more around the house. You may also try approaching your mom's friends and offering to exchange babysitting with them so that you can both get some much-needed alone time.

You might find it helpful to speak with a specialist if you frequently experience overwhelming anxiety, depression, or overwhelming. Mom's guilt can exacerbate the postpartum depression that many moms feel. You can find a safe place to express your thoughts and feelings with a qualified therapist or counselor who focuses on the challenges that new moms face.

Mom guilt is common, and for new moms, in particular, the demands of parenting, work, and maintaining a home may be daunting. Be confident in admitting your guilt and give yourself a priority when investing in yourself so you can be the greatest mother you can be.