Navigating Feminist Discourse With Conservative Parents: Feminism In A Sexist Household
If
you're not used to conflicts, are you even a teenager in an Indian home?
tumultuous, furious, and loud. These arguments sometimes result in slammed
doors, leftover dinners, and days without communication in addition to hot
words. The teenager is a "feminist," so when you put all of this
together, tragedy is guaranteed.
I
can't even begin to count the number of times I've been called a
"rebel," a "liberal," or a "feminist" during
gatherings and family dinners, as if these were all things to abhor. As if I'm
the kind of adolescent that parents ought to keep their kids as far away from
as possible. My own home can occasionally be quite a mess.
I
have access to a wide variety of resources as a 19-year-old pursuing a degree
in psychology and sociology, allowing me to read about the feminist discourse
and historical oppression against my gender. In class, we read and talk about
Judith Butler's writings and "doing gender." We look at Nivedita
Menon's theories and how gender roles are enforced in Indian families.
I
am fortunate to have access to the journals, books, and theories that have
influenced modern feminism. Although, in their eyes, my parents weren't as
privileged to have these options.
As
a result, my parents look down on me when I say that I want to go for a stroll
at 10 PM while listening to my favourite music. Instead of answering the issue
"Why are my cisgender male friends able to do so without any thought,
censure, or explanation," it creates questions like "Why would you
even want to go out at that time?" How can I convey to kids that our
society's hierarchies are set up to always favour men?
A
lot of social rules for the 'protection of women' in the nation appear to be
based on moral policing of all kinds, which is likely also how the question of
going out is dealt with. Imagine the sexist validation that is fostered when a
politician or state minister disparages a woman for choosing to wear jeans. When
a state like Lucknow introduces AI-enabled facial cameras to monitor women, the
same troubling idea is reinforced.
Therefore,
it is not surprising that our attitudes of marriage, sexual relations, and
family duties continue to be strongly gendered. I want freedom, agency, and
equality in these decisions because I'm a feminist. These ideas, however, are
daunting and unnecessary for the traditional family that I come from.
When
I see another Whatsapp forward from my father disparaging my mother's cooking,
attractiveness, etc., I start to protest vehemently. The stereotype of the
"nagging, inquiring, and irritable wife/girlfriend" has sadly been
promoted and normalised by movies like "Pyaar ka Punchnama" and
"Sonu Ke Titu ki Sweety," it goes without saying. When questioned
about it, his answers place the blame on me and advise me to stop being so
sensitive and view things more "humorously."
If
I ever had children, one of the first things I might teach them as a feminist
would be to respect their partners and never speak negatively about them.
When
parents' attitudes and beliefs are so firmly ingrained and bound up with faulty
evolutionary and theological claims, it is challenging to persuade them. For
example, some continue to think that it is improper to enter temples when
menstruating since religion forbids it. They continue to hold the view that men
and women are fundamentally different, possess various innate and primitive
needs and traits, and are more inclined to specific types of social circumstances.
We
all look to various socialisation factors from the minute we are born for
social cues that support our behaviour and views. Parents and other members of
our family are without a doubt the most important agents of the same. We more
or less have a tendency to notice and respond to situations in the same manner
that we have been observing them until we are past puberty. As a result,
possibly unintentionally, our parents also instil the same ideals in us as they
did as children.
They
are also eager to use historical instances to contrast the relative freedom
that women today have with the way things were in their time.
My
mother has told me stories of her father slapping her for coming home beyond 9
o'clock in the evening. My grandmother was allegedly beaten and then married
off at the age of 22 if she was caught talking to a boy. Women before us grew
up in a culture where emancipation of women wasn't viewed as a liberating
event, but rather as a pointless exercise that would cause men to lose their positions
of dominance in society, the economy, and history. Their control over women was
directly threatened by feminism.
Even
though I still have to fight every day to be seen as an equal person despite
gender discrimination, being aware of my parents' background and taking into
account their upbringing and social surroundings has given me stronger coping
mechanisms.
Even
though the future still seems uncertain, there is still possibility for
improvement given how these discussions are already changing. Instead of having
disputes with my parents, I prefer to have dialogues where I can freely voice
my opinions. Even while change is necessary, it won't happen immediately.
These
challenging discussions with our parents must take place. When navigating
feminist discourse at home, we need to give space to LGBTGIA+ identities in
addition as heterosexual ones. Parents are crucial to the future of feminism
because it must be inclusive. Therefore, it is vital that we continue having
conversations about people who identify in a variety of intersectional ways in
order to normalise personal agency outside of patriarchal dichotomies.
If
our generation becomes parents, doing so promises a better present as well as a
better future. The world really needs more feminist couples raising feminist
children!