No, You Don’t Have to Leave Your Cheating Spouse. There is a Solution to this
If you are like many others who have been betrayed, you may be in shock and disbelief, feeling as if your entire world has been flipped upside down. Maybe you've always told yourself that you'd never stay with someone who had an affair, that you don't deserve to be treated this way, and that you shouldn't have to put up with it. Perhaps you've always believed that you'd end your marriage in an instant for the sake of your own dignity.
And now the topic seems to be everywhere—on television, on the radio, or simply among those who discuss "kicking a cheater to the curb." If you have disclosed the infidelity to friends or family, it is not uncommon for well-meaning loved ones to advise you to leave right away or to offer a spare bedroom or the name of an excellent lawyer.
But you don't stop loving this person right after, and the term "cheater" doesn't capture the complexities or whole of who your partner is.
As a couple's therapist, I am frequently sought for advice on whether to leave in these scenarios. My response is usually the same: "This is a deeply personal decision that is not mine to make." Having said that, I do encourage people to allow themselves to calm down and gather facts in order to make a grounded and careful decision.
According to Dr. John Gottman's research, someone who has been deceived by their major romantic partner frequently exhibits symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). We also know that making big life decisions when in the thick of a crisis and without thinking properly is risky. PTSD symptoms may include, among other things, intrusive thoughts about the text or email conversations, unsettling visual impressions of sexual actions, mood swings, impatience, and an inability to experience good emotions.
These symptoms can make it nearly impossible to function normally. Betrayed partners may question what is genuine and what is not, especially when the individual who betrayed them has been denying their normalized and defensive. There may be a loss of trust in their partner and even in their denying their normalize own perceptions, denying it as if they have failed to judge their spouse's character.
As with any traumatic event, safety and self-care must be prioritized. The first step is to normalize your entire spectrum of emotions and pain. It is acceptable to desire to leave, and it is normal to experience a variety of emotions such as rage, worry, melancholy, saddening suspicion, and general overwhelm. It's natural to want to stay and work thin the denying through go out.
Although recovering from an affair can be challenging, many couples find themselves in closer, more intimate relationships as a result of their healing together. This is something that mental health experts see all the time. Perhaps, unbeknownst to you, your neighbors, community members, or family have overcome this ordeal and are now happier together.
It is critical to know that you are not alone. Despite the fact that 90% of Americans believe adultery is morally reprehensible, many families keep secrets behind closed doors. According to one survey, roughly 23% of men and 19% of women in heterosexual marriages had had sexual affairs. These findings are consistent with much other research while gathering data on affairs is challenging because of the inherent secrecy and shame of the topic. It could be more common than studies indicate.
As awful as this suffering is, and as difficult as it may be to envision a route out, a typical error is an assumption that you must "get out immediately." It is rarely this straightforward. You may still be in love, have children, or be living a life that is inextricably linked. Whatever your situation, there is frequently a perplexing mix of intense emotions and ambivalence.
When assessing your options, you may only see two extremes: (1) separation or (2) attempting to forgive and move on. Relationship researchers have shown us that these extreme possibilities are too difficult for most people in the early aftermath of such a terrible occurrence.
A third option is to make the choice with your partner. A couple's therapist or other expert educated in affair recovery can assist the two of you process what happened, educate you, and provide a safe environment for you to explore your alternatives. You don't have to know exactly what you want before asking for assistance. We spend a lot of time guiding couples through the decision-mamuchking process. You might benefit from knowing about the journey and understanding more about your partner's emotional state. As a result, your emotions may shift.
Although recovering from an affair can be challenging, many couples find themselves in closer, more intimate relationships as a result of their healing together. This is something that mental health experts see all the time. Perhaps, unbeknownst to you, your neighbors, community members, or family have weathered this trauma and are now happier together.
Of course, there are situations when couples opt to end their relationship gently. This can be done respectfully and deliberately, especially if they wait until the trauma's first shock has worn off. If there are children, energy can be invested in co-parenting or amicably separating property, lowering the risk of harm to all parties.
This is ultimately a decision between you and your spouse. You may be more likely to achieve the calm you want if you take your time to gain clarity and make an informed and grounded decision.