What To do if Your Spouse Just Asked for a Divorce
It might be frightening to hear your spouse announce, "I want a divorce," whether it appears unexpected or you had anticipated it. You may be willing to go to any length to save your marriage, even counselling. Your partner, on the other hand, maybe declare, "I'm done."
If you honestly want to prevent divorce, you must demonstrate your ability to adapt. Consider what has brought you both to this point. What habits are you willing to change in order for your marriage to work? Consider what your husband has most likely been moaning about for a long time. What have you missed out on hearing?
It may appear unfair that you must do all of the changes. However, if your partner has reached their limit and you want to make it work, you must make the initial steps toward actual change. But keep in mind that it's not over until it's over. Even spouses who claim they desire to divorce may be conflicted about the decision. That indicates there is yet hope.
If your spouse wants a divorce because you have an addiction (which includes behavioural addictions such as gambling or pornography as well as chemical addictions such as alcohol or drugs), an affair, or are abusive, you must seek therapy to address the issue. You will have a difficult time repairing the damage you have made.
What Not to Do If Your Spouse Wants a Divorce
You want the best chance possible to save your marriage. Many people ruin opportunities by behaving desperate, angry, rude, or vindictive. These are the polar opposite of what you should be doing. These behaviours might make it difficult to achieve your goal of saving the marriage, so make every effort to avoid them.
Acting out: Using drugs, drinking alcohol, becoming involved in the bar scene, and flirting (or more) with others will not help you sort things out with your spouse in the long run.
Begging: Pleading, chasing, or pressing your spouse might backfire and turn them off.
Buying: Purchasing gifts, flowers, and cards to make up for or apologise for what you may have done to cause your spouse to seek a divorce is unlikely to resolve the real issues. You will not be able to repurchase love.
Gossip: Asking family or friends to persuade your spouse to stay with you may exacerbate the situation. Discussing these private issues with these people may irritate your spouse.
Idealizing: Avoid focusing solely on the positive aspects of your marriage or yourself.
Manipulation: Saying "I love you" or requesting that your spouse read literature about love and marriage may come across as manipulative or overbearing.
Nagging: Avoid numerous phone calls and text messages to your spouse, especially if this was not your practice previous to the recent breakup. Avoid acting desperate or needy.
Neediness: You may be overcome with melancholy and can only communicate it to your partner, but try not to be needy towards them.
Reminiscing: Do not force your partner to look at your wedding photos or discuss your early dating days.
Spying: Following them in your car, monitoring their emails, mobile phone, bills, and so on can undermine rather than strengthen your relationship.
What to Do If Your Spouse Wants a Divorce
Try these proactive ways to mend your relationship and persuade your partner to reconsider the divorce. Finally, the goal is to improve the health of your partnership rather than avert a divorce.
- Act as if you're going to move forward with confidence. Commit to doing this whether or if your partner remains with you.
- Allow your spouse to come to you if he or she has any questions or worries. Let your partner know that you sincerely want to save the marriage, and then be patient with any discussions about it. Be an attentive and interested listener during any debate.
- Be your most authentic self. This is not the time to crumble, anger, or seek vengeance. Make the best of your situation.
- Respectfully interact with your partner. Maintain your self-esteem as well.
- Don't get into debates. If your partner tries to persuade you to quarrel, don't fall for it. You might even have to leave. (If your partner claims you "always walk away," say you'd be pleased to stay and have a decent chat.) Then just do it.)
- Seek assistance. Consult a marriage counsellor or read self-help or self-improvement books. The book "Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner-Davis is appropriate for your situation.
- Allow your partner some breathing room. Do not inquire about their whereabouts or schedule.
- Keep yourself busy. Continue your daily activities and perhaps add some new ones: Go out with your friends, family, and children. Visit a religious site, take up a new activity, or get some exercise. Regardless of what occurs in your marriage, keep living. You may invite your spouse to join you, but you should not be offended if they decline. Don't deviate from your original plans.
- Maintain your attractiveness. You may be feeling low and horrible about yourself, but ignoring basic hygiene can have a negative influence on your mental health.
- Allow your partner to perceive you as content. Your emotions will be up and down, so find a way to express yourself that isn't via your partner. A therapist or counsellor can often provide a safe environment for you to process your emotions.
How to Handle the Next Steps
You might be wondering how to proceed. If you and your husband have talked about divorce, there are a few urgent steps you could take.
- Try relationship/couples therapy: See if your partner is willing to go to couples counselling with you to identify and work on your relationship's troubles. Couples and individual therapy may help you realise if there is a possibility to go forward together and reconcile what is causing a divide.
- Consult an attorney: Even if you plan to reconcile, it may be a good idea to consult with a lawyer to determine the legal ramifications of your divorce.
Going through or contemplating divorce can be emotionally draining. Remember to exercise self-care and seek help if you want to stay psychologically strong. You might also see a therapist on your own or join a support group.
A Word From Ichhori
Making positive changes is always a good thing, regardless of whether your marriage works out or not. You probably have some characteristics or actions that would be troublesome in most partnerships. Working through them will help you connect and communicate with a love relationship (whether it be your current spouse or someone new).