What to Know About Miscarriage Grief and How to Cope?
Miscarriages are common, defined as a loss within the first 20 weeks of pregnancy. Miscarriages occur in 10% to 20% of pregnancies. Even though miscarriages are common, many of us are unaware of how painful they can be to the person who has one.
Miscarriage sadness is a real thing, although it's not widely discussed. Many pregnant women are expected to just get up and move on with their lives after losing a baby. They are advised, "You may always try again." There is typically no place for them to grieve; the grieving process is frequently silent and unsupported.
Thankfully, things are changing, and many of us are becoming more aware that extreme sadness following a miscarriage is natural, and that miscarriage victims require care and support.
Let's take a look at what the mourning process looks like following a miscarriage, how to deal with miscarriage loss, and when further help may be required.
Emotional Response Following a Miscarriage
While everyone's emotional reaction to a miscarriage is different, it's not uncommon to experience severe grief after losing a pregnancy.
If you are many weeks into your pregnancy and have already started feeling your baby move, notified many people about the pregnancy, and begun planning for your baby's arrival, your grief may be especially severe.
However, even early pregnancy losses can be devastating.
Because many of us become linked to our infants as soon as we learn we are pregnant, even an early miscarriage can feel devastating. Early losses can be extremely tough because you may not have even told anybody you were pregnant, so you may feel obligated to grieve in silence.
Common Symptoms
Aside from sadness and grief, frequent emotional consequences of a miscarriage include:
- Exhaustion and fatigue
- Lack of appetite
- Problems sleeping
- Guilt
- Anger
- Shock
- Anxiety
- Depression
Common Experiences
Again, everyone grieves in their own unique way, and there is no "correct way" to grieve. There is no timeframe for mourning either. Some people will feel better after a few days or weeks of sorrow; others will find that the pain lasts much longer.
Here are some other frequent thoughts and feelings you may encounter when grieving your miscarriage.
You May Blame Yourself
Many women who have miscarriages are quick to blame themselves. They believe they lost their kid because of something they did or because they did not take care of themselves as well as they should have. However, skipping a few prenatal vitamins, working extra hours, and exercising excessively will not result in a miscarriage. The majority of miscarriages are caused by genetic disorders. You didn't do anything wrong.
You Will Go Through Stages of Grief
You will experience grief stages similar to other losses, such as shock, anger, and acceptance. Some people will reach the "acceptance" stage sooner than others, while some will experience feelings of rage for a longer amount of time. It's also normal to feel different from day to day during grieving. Again, there is no one available to you immediately after a miscarriage.
Your Changing Hormones Are Contributing
Miscarriage is an extremely emotional affair. However, it's crucial to remember that your hormones are also changing, which can contribute to the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies a miscarriage. After a miscarriage, it can take a few weeks for your hormones to stabilise (you should have your first post-miscarriage menstrual period in 4 to 6 weeks1), and this process can contribute to the severity of your sadness.
You May Find Certain Things Triggering
You may find it tough to be around babies or learn about a friend's new pregnancy after your miscarriage. As the months pass and your due date approaches, you may become emotionally provoked. These are all entirely normal feelings, and it's fine if you need to distance yourself from some of the things that are difficult for you to be exposed to right now.
You and Your Partner Will Grieve Differently
Often, the individual who has had a miscarriage will exhibit more visible indicators of loss and emotional anguish. Your partner may not be feeling the loss as intensely as you are, and they may be preoccupied with their position as a support person, but they are undoubtedly feeling substantial emotional consequences as well. Communicating your sentiments and asking them to share theirs can be really beneficial.
How to Cope
Just as each person's miscarriage experience is unique, so is their coping process. Here are some things to consider as you begin to recover from your loss.
Understand That Your Feelings Are Normal
Many people would advise you to move on as quickly as possible following your miscarriage. If you are mourning deeply, they may believe you are exaggerating. It's also possible that you miscarried before officially announcing your pregnancy, making your entire experience private and silent.
Unfortunately, it has long been a cultural custom not to discuss miscarriage sadness. As a result, many people are unaware of how widespread it is, and they believe that their emotions are bad or taboo. However, this is not the case. Feelings of grief following a miscarriage are more common than many of us were taught, and it's OK if you're experiencing them.
Let Yourself “Feel the Feels”
The strength of your emotions following a miscarriage may astound you, and you may feel compelled to push these deep sensations away. However, the greatest approach to deal with your emotions is to move through them.
Trying to reject, push aside, or flee from them usually makes matters worse. Remember that grief is not the only feeling you may experience. Guilt, rage, shock, and emotional numbness are also prevalent.
Memorialise Your Loss
Many women find it therapeutic to commemorate their pregnancy in some way. Depending on how far along you were in your pregnancy, you might be able to have a burial.
You may also choose to hold a grief ceremony with a small group of loved ones. Others may choose to plant a tree in memory of their baby, light a candle, create a scrapbook with significant objects from the pregnancy, or have engraved jewellery made to commemorate their baby.
When Should You Try Again?
Most doctors will advise you to try again after one normal menstrual period following your miscarriage. This normally happens 4 to 6 weeks after you miscarry.
Some people believe that trying straight away seems right, and that getting pregnant as soon as possible will help them recover from their loss. Others, however, will prefer to wait. Even if your body is medically "ready" for another pregnancy, emotional healing may take longer.
It is also reasonable to be concerned about having another miscarriage if you try again. There is no reason why you should have a higher risk of miscarriage after a loss unless your healthcare professional discovers another cause. After a miscarriage, the majority of women have healthy pregnancies.
But it's logical that you'd be concerned. If you have chronic health problems or lasting anxiety, speak with your healthcare professional.
When to Seek Extra Support
Everyone who has had a miscarriage can benefit from assistance, even if it is just being able to discuss their feelings with a close friend or family member. Some people will find that degree of assistance sufficient, while others will require more extensive assistance.
Therapy
If you are experiencing symptoms of despair or anxiety, or if your sorrow is interfering with your ability to function, counselling may be a helpful option for you. You can ask your healthcare practitioner for a referral, as speaking with a therapist who has expertise helping people move through miscarriage loss is frequently quite beneficial.
Support Groups
Joining a miscarriage support group is one of the most efficient ways to process your loss. Miscarriage is a unique experience, and connecting with others who have gone through it can be reassuring. It is critical to understand that you are not alone, that you are not overreacting, and that your sentiments are valid.
Many helpful and active miscarriage support groups can be found online. You can request a referral to an in-person miscarriage support group from your healthcare physician.
A Word From Ichhori
Grieving after a miscarriage is not a straight line. One day you may feel more normal, but the next day your sadness may strike you like a tonne of bricks. Months or years may pass, and then something may remind you of your pregnancy, and you will be taken back to your initial sentiments of sadness.
You will always mourn your loss in some manner, but the pain of your emotions will fade over time and become more manageable. However, some miscarriages have more long-term consequences and require more prolonged therapy to get through the trauma.
Always contact your healthcare practitioner if your miscarriage grief is interfering with your ability to function or if your loss has resulted in major mental health issues, such as anxiety, sadness, or PTSD.