Want to Save Your Relationship? Tell the Truth About Your Affair

One of the most devastating events in a relationship is the revelation of an affair. Many people who have never encountered infidelity are unaware of how shocking the discovery can be.

The partner involved in the affair's own dream world has been broken. When the secret is revealed, the consequences can be severe. It can spread beyond the original relationship to family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers. For the betrayed partner, discovery may put into question every belief they held about themselves, their spouse, and their relationship. Both partners experience a shift that alters their perception of the world.

There are various things to consider as the engaged partner if you want to heal following the discovery. Honesty is one of the most important aspects of recovery. But how can the truth be revealed without jeopardizing the possibility of reconciliation?

IF YOU DO NOT GIVE THE TRUTH, YOUR PARTNER WILL CREATE IT.

In my practice, I work with couples at all stages of infidelity recovery. The crisis stage usually comes after the discovery stage. It's what I call the "data gathering" stage. Hurt partners are often tormented by the affair at this point. They may think about it from the time they get up until they go to bed. Even in their dreams, many people cannot find serenity. Some people wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious, angry, or depressed.

In many cases, asking, begging, or demanding the truth is an attempt to ground themselves. It's a method to reconnect with reality.

Betrayed lovers' imaginations may be vibrant and vivid. If they can't find the answers they're looking for, they'll make them up. Hearing the truth, even if it is painful, allows individuals to let go of worst-case possibilities. Do you think the truth is bad? They are most likely imagining far worse. The reality will be painful, but it will be less painful than their assumptions and opinions about what happened. Releasing the truth creates the cognitive space needed to gradually reestablish trust.

When a couple agrees to go through the trauma in order to develop a new, stronger connection, they have a better chance of recovering from infidelity. The eradication of beliefs and falsehoods that plagued the partnership in the past is part of the healing process. Many betrayed partners may repeatedly ask the same questions and (possibly unknowingly) compare responses. Each proven truth is a step toward restoring trust and goodwill. Offending partners benefit from viewing these questions as evidence that the betrayed partner is invested in healing.

OFFER ANSWERS BEFORE THEY ASK.

Unfortunately, many interested partners believe that responding only to the questions asked reduces the damage. This concept may make rehabilitation more difficult because it implies that the affected partner is withholding information. When the truth is released in a torrent rather than a trickle, recovery is more successful. Even if it is painful, speaking the truth will (in time) help to repair trust.

The truth must be revealed as soon as possible. Involved partners may cause more harm to themselves and their partners by releasing truths in little doses.

Some couples find it beneficial to set aside a specific amount of time to answer questions. This gives both partners time to prepare. By initiating, the involved spouse can aid in the rehabilitation process. When the hurt spouse asks inquiries, he or she is less likely to be overpowered by the accumulation of rage.

Early disclosure of the truth may help to reduce the extremely painful stories that the devastated partner constructs in their head. The truth must be revealed as soon as possible. Involved partners may cause more harm to themselves and their partners by releasing truths in little doses. When they suspect that information is being hidden from them, many hurt partners step up their inquiry efforts. The truth, or at least the majority of it, is required for healing. I warn involved couples to be cautious regarding detailed details of sexual experiences, as they can cause greater harm if the injured partner hasn't requested them.

AVOID BEING DEFENSIVE.

If a hurt spouse wishes to remain in the relationship, trust must be rebuilt. When the hurt partner acts out of rage or other emotions, many involved partners find this difficult to believe. The wounded partner does not want to be wounded. They desire to have faith in love, their connection, and their spouse. Even though they appear to have lost emotional control, it is crucial to remember that they want to heal. An angry or defensive reaction to a hurt partner may complicate recovery. This is not to say that an involved partner should put up with abuse; no one deserves to be harmed. An involved spouse who can look past the surface rage to the true hurt underlying might show the empathy required for recovery.

Defensiveness, counterattack, avoidance, or blame communicate to hurt partners that the relationship is still in jeopardy. It indicates that the affected spouse is unwilling to work toward a resolution. These messages reduce the likelihood of recovery. A hurt partner may act in ways that they may not understand. Allowing them grace as they go through this experience contributes to a healthy recovery.

In the aftermath of an affair, honesty is essential for healing. However, the simplicity of honesty does not make it any simpler, to be honest. Being truthful may appear contradictory; why give fuel to a roaring fire of pain? The answer is to demonstrate that the purpose is to reestablish trust and heal. Yes, telling the truth might be difficult. It may appear sadistic to reveal things you worked so hard to keep hidden from your partner. However, your relationship may be at stake.