You Cheated, Now What? Healing Your Relationship After Your Affair
One of the most stressful events in a relationship is the discovery or revelation of infidelity. Many relationships experience a dramatic emotional upheaval that threatens to engulf both spouses whole. If you've ever searched the internet for solutions, you may have discovered a lot of support for the partner who was betrayed; not so much for the "wayward" partner. Being an unfaithful partner who desires to reconcile can be terribly lonely. This article seeks to assist you in navigating the stormy waters of attempting to heal your relationship after an affair.
YOUR DECISION
Before you begin the process of healing your relationship, ask yourself if you really want to save it. Many errant partners are hesitant to return to the partnership in its previous state. Some partners cheat because their primary relationship is failing. Returning to that experience may seem nearly unbearably unpleasant. Infidelity recovery is a challenging journey, thus attempting reconciliation should not be approached lightly. Before you offer reconciliation to your partner, consider whether that is actually what you desire.
In most circumstances, reconciliation necessitates the cessation of all contact with your affair partner (s). This may put you in a position where you must formally end the affair, face potential shame, and grieve the loss. This is usually required to demonstrate your sincere efforts to rebuild. If you are not ready to let go of your auxiliary relationship(s), healing may not be a realistic option for your current relationship. To recover from infidelity, you must decide to do whatever it takes to rebuild.
YOU'RE “WHY”
Many errant partners feel glad when their indiscretions are revealed because they are no longer bound by their secrets. Following their discovery, the straying spouse may be ready to address what went wrong in the relationship that drove them to wander. This dialogue is crucial for healing, but there may be better moments to have it right after the discovery/revelation. The betrayed partner is probably reeling from the news and attempting to make sense of his or her new circumstances. They may be so preoccupied with learning adultery details that they fail to hear "why." Even if they inquire, they may not understand the answer in a way that will offer them healing.
Allowing the injured spouse to dictate the speed of healing is critical to its success. Know that your honesty in addressing the seemingly endless inquiries will eventually lead your partner to the "why" of the affair story. Meanwhile, self-reflection may aid in the healing of a troubled partner. Exploring how you got into this circumstance and what needs you were attempting to meet will be important later in the process. Journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or going to individual therapy can provide you with the safe space you need to find answers to deeper questions without causing further harm to your hurting partner right now.
WEATHERING THE STORMS
As a rogue partner, the agony of discovery/revelation may seem insurmountable. Some unfaithful spouses endure depressed symptoms as they are forced to leave the protection of their secret. Wayward partners may get absorbed with excessively negative views about themselves, only to have their damaged spouse echo those thoughts. A perfect storm of guilt, humiliation, hurt, and betrayal seemed to be brewing.
Recovering from infidelity is not a straight line. Some days, a couple may get glimpses of where they want their relationship to go, only to feel as if they've returned to step one the next. Effective recovery is on the rise.
Although it may not appear so, the storm cannot last forever. Some days, the ache of betrayal may not be as strong as it was in the beginning. Wayward partners who learn to uncover the hurt beneath the wrath may be better positioned to quiet the storms within themselves and their relationships. In my practice, couples realize that even the most heartbroken partners seek out the infidel to comprehend the pain the adultery has caused. We learn that if we acknowledge the sorrow and show empathy, the anger will usually lessen with time.
Recovering from infidelity is not a straight line. Some days, a couple may get glimpses of where they want their relationship to go, only to feel as if they've returned to step one the next. Effective recovery is on the rise. The pair may discover that their lows are not as low as they were when they first started, and their highs are more regular. When emotions are running high, understanding the process and being focused on the objective of reconciliation can help a couple manage.
LOWER YOUR DEFENCES
One of the most crucial lessons for a misbehaving partner is to avoid being defensive. Defensiveness can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Avoiding or dismissing the gravity of adultery are only a few examples of being defensive. Blaming your partner for your infidelity is also defensive and may have a negative impact on your partner's healing. Being defensive also jeopardizes the safety of the injured partner. A bad partner who continuously accepts responsibility for their behaviors may aid their partner's healing. A damaged spouse wants to believe there is remorse when they attack out of pain. Showing sorrow and empathy allows the harmed partner to obtain the help they require to heal.
Defending oneself from an attack is a natural human reaction. You might find it helpful to consider a partner's rage as an attack on their distress. Hurt partners may yell, cry, or appear frigid in an attempt to relieve their suffering. If you notice that your relationship is becoming abusive, seek help immediately. If your partner is not abusive, defending against the attack may leave the injured partner in pain. Taking up a load of this sorrow may be the act of love required by the hurt partner in the aftermath of discovery/revelation. When you are determined to make amends for the hurt, this can help to reestablish trust.
CONCLUSION
Infidelity may repair relationships. The process is not without difficulties, but it is doable. When a couple is resolved to work through the suffering in order to reach healing on the other side, they usually fare the best. If you want to be successful in reconciliation, you must first decide that rebuilding is your true aim. Both spouses, possibly at different periods, will need to find healing in the pain of an affair. Allowing an injured spouse to guide the healing process is critical for their rehabilitation. If you can weather the storms without becoming defensive, you are more likely to succeed in the rehabilitation process.
Infidelity does not have to spell the end of your relationship. If you are prepared to work through this difficulty, possibly with the help of a nonjudgmental therapist, your love for one another can emerge stronger than before.